If Third Graders Could Vote

Mom, did you know if Sara Pallin becomes vice president she will kill all the animals in the forest?

No, I didn't know that. I don't really think you have the whole story. Who told you that?

This kid at school. He said she likes to kill animals. I don't think you should vote for her.

Done!

In My Free Time...

Ever wonder what I do on the weekends? Here it is. Jealous you aren't one of my students aren't you? Hope your weekend was just as exciting.

Pay No Attention to the Chick on the Floor

When I turned 21 three of my uncles took me to Las Vegas to celebrate. I remember a lot from that trip. Blisters from my new Keds, drinking Zima while walking down the strip, their obsession in learning how to play Craps, and fainting on a backstage tour of Folies Bergere. My one uncle, UK, loves to impersonate said fainting spell. That was one of only two times I fainted. The other was in July of 1999 while waiting to see Fosse on Broadway. It was 1,000,000 degrees and I was pregnant.

Fainting is weird. I felt cold all of a sudden and then, down I went. You can hear everything going on around you, but you can't quite get a handle on things.

Today, during my 10th period U.S. History class, a class in which I HATE with a passion, a student came up to me after having donated blood 30 minutes earlier said, "Ms. I don't feel good. I can't breathe and it's really hot in here."

"Ok D, I just saw the dean's assistant (DA) let's get you to the nurse."

I walk out to the hall flag down the DA and tell him to get this girl to the nurse. I turn around and say, "D....D? Where'd she go?" Then real nonchalant like one of my students says, "She's on the ground. I think she fainted."

"Didn't anyone think to call for me or say anything?"

"She looks ok."

"Really, can I see your license to practice medicine?"

At this point the DA comes in and I say go get a wheelchair and the nurse I can't pick her up myself and she isn't responding to me. Now, I was pretty calm. She was breathing and I could tell that she was going to be ok. In the mean time, the DA comes back with a wheelchair and no nurse. "Where's the nurse?"

"She said she's busy."

"Go back and get her. I can't wake her up!"

Now the kids start stepping over her putting their stuff away. Laughing at her and telling me I should pour water on her. One kid walks by and says, "You can tell she's faking it her eyes are blinking." Then others begin debating if she is conscious, unconscious or conscientious. Because, "I get those words confused."

I swear to God I just wanted to pop this kid straight in the face and cause him to pass out. Finally, the nurse shows up and asks the student's name and proceeds to have me, 3 minutes before the bell rings for the end of the day, have my students exit the room. This girl is laying at the front of the room and now 28 kids begin stepping over her while the nurse stands by. I was so dumbfounded by what was going on I just walked in the hall and let it all unfold. They close the door to the room get her in the wheelchair and proceed to wheel her by in a "roll of shame".

This was one of those days when I tell myself, "There's got to be a better place for me."

Perhaps We Are Asking the Wrong Questions

If you recognize this quote, I reserve the right to call you a big dork. I needed a quote from the movie and this one seemed most appropriate. I had to ask my husband because I found this movie to be utterly painful. To this day, I still don't understand all the hubub over this movie, or shall I say cinematic pleasure? It just so happens this quote perfectly fit my classroom scene today.

Me: ....in the 1820s America was experiencing a Second Great Awakening. This was a time in which there were new religions. One example was a religious group known as Unitarians. Unitarians saw God as a single being instead of a "Trinity". Where are my Catholics? What does that mean "trinity" insert chirping crickets.... Anyone? What is the trinity? crickets.... Seriously, you can't tell me what the trinity is?

J: The Matrix! The Matrix!

Me: Yes, J that is exactly what the trinity is. A movie about dudes running around in long black shiny trench coats. Or maybe, just maybe it is the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. Ya, think?

J: Looking confused...I guess.

Insert class laughing here

This of course prompted me to tell the story of one of my favorite students from back in the day when I taught Catholic school. I loved that school and loved how I could always lay on the Catholic guilt, guilt free.

One day J.N. a sweet, yet not so bright 6th grader, was doing something which prompted me to say to him, "Now J, that isn't a very Christian thing to do."

He looked at me confused, thought for a moment and said, "I thought I was Catholic."

To whit I responded, "Good news J, today you get two for the price of one."

See there, the title was fitting. Now my husband is good for three things (don't pressure me and ask for a list).

Somewhere My Grandma Is Sheading A Single Tear

See these fine machines? They finally arrived this evening. It is a sad day when you brag to your students that their arrival is the highlight of your day. Good news, J's puppy pillow made it through the maiden voyage. Ahhhh, the sweet sweet sounds of a lower water bill...I hope.

Do Slippers & Flip Flops Count?

Last night I was chatting with my parents, UK and D about a project that will be taking place around here on October 13th. About a month ago my brother had this company come out to his condo about putting in a closet organizer. My dad was really impressed and knowing how crappy our closets are, I gave them a call to see if we could swing a small renovation with left over tax return dollars.

Jen came out three weeks ago and gave an estimate and we are pushing forward. In her interview with me about our needs I mentioned I needed room for my shoes. She asked about how many pairs of shoes I had and my response was, "I don't even think I can guess. A lot, maybe 50."

So in mentioning this with UK he was flabbergasted. He didn't think I was serious. My mom was like, "Jen, I don't even think I have that many shoes."

So this afternoon after changing the linens in our room I sat down and counted. I was wrong I don't have 50. I have 54...but hey that includes slippers and flip flops. Carrie Bradshaw may have her Manolos from Barneys, but I have my Mossimos from Target. Is that so wrong?

On Small Step for Man One Sure Step for J

Have you ever seen these before? I haven't, well at least until they were put on J's feet yesterday. They are called Sure Steps. I mean really is there anything else we can add to this kid's life? J's feet are "extremely pronated" and therefore he needs support in his feet/ankles to encourage him standing straighter and in turn increasing his upper trunk strength. You should see how wide his feet look in shoes. You know the song by Chris Farley, "Fat man in a little coat"? Well, this is like, "Skinny kid with fat old feet".

I was sure I would hear from J, "I don't like these. Take off NOW!" But instead I got, "Cooooool! I like it. I run fast!" And run fast he did. Proving once again I know jack shit about my kids. Step aside blogging moms, I am Mother of the Year!