If Third Graders Could Vote

Mom, did you know if Sara Pallin becomes vice president she will kill all the animals in the forest?

No, I didn't know that. I don't really think you have the whole story. Who told you that?

This kid at school. He said she likes to kill animals. I don't think you should vote for her.

Done!

In My Free Time...

Ever wonder what I do on the weekends? Here it is. Jealous you aren't one of my students aren't you? Hope your weekend was just as exciting.

Pay No Attention to the Chick on the Floor

When I turned 21 three of my uncles took me to Las Vegas to celebrate. I remember a lot from that trip. Blisters from my new Keds, drinking Zima while walking down the strip, their obsession in learning how to play Craps, and fainting on a backstage tour of Folies Bergere. My one uncle, UK, loves to impersonate said fainting spell. That was one of only two times I fainted. The other was in July of 1999 while waiting to see Fosse on Broadway. It was 1,000,000 degrees and I was pregnant.

Fainting is weird. I felt cold all of a sudden and then, down I went. You can hear everything going on around you, but you can't quite get a handle on things.

Today, during my 10th period U.S. History class, a class in which I HATE with a passion, a student came up to me after having donated blood 30 minutes earlier said, "Ms. I don't feel good. I can't breathe and it's really hot in here."

"Ok D, I just saw the dean's assistant (DA) let's get you to the nurse."

I walk out to the hall flag down the DA and tell him to get this girl to the nurse. I turn around and say, "D....D? Where'd she go?" Then real nonchalant like one of my students says, "She's on the ground. I think she fainted."

"Didn't anyone think to call for me or say anything?"

"She looks ok."

"Really, can I see your license to practice medicine?"

At this point the DA comes in and I say go get a wheelchair and the nurse I can't pick her up myself and she isn't responding to me. Now, I was pretty calm. She was breathing and I could tell that she was going to be ok. In the mean time, the DA comes back with a wheelchair and no nurse. "Where's the nurse?"

"She said she's busy."

"Go back and get her. I can't wake her up!"

Now the kids start stepping over her putting their stuff away. Laughing at her and telling me I should pour water on her. One kid walks by and says, "You can tell she's faking it her eyes are blinking." Then others begin debating if she is conscious, unconscious or conscientious. Because, "I get those words confused."

I swear to God I just wanted to pop this kid straight in the face and cause him to pass out. Finally, the nurse shows up and asks the student's name and proceeds to have me, 3 minutes before the bell rings for the end of the day, have my students exit the room. This girl is laying at the front of the room and now 28 kids begin stepping over her while the nurse stands by. I was so dumbfounded by what was going on I just walked in the hall and let it all unfold. They close the door to the room get her in the wheelchair and proceed to wheel her by in a "roll of shame".

This was one of those days when I tell myself, "There's got to be a better place for me."

Perhaps We Are Asking the Wrong Questions

If you recognize this quote, I reserve the right to call you a big dork. I needed a quote from the movie and this one seemed most appropriate. I had to ask my husband because I found this movie to be utterly painful. To this day, I still don't understand all the hubub over this movie, or shall I say cinematic pleasure? It just so happens this quote perfectly fit my classroom scene today.

Me: ....in the 1820s America was experiencing a Second Great Awakening. This was a time in which there were new religions. One example was a religious group known as Unitarians. Unitarians saw God as a single being instead of a "Trinity". Where are my Catholics? What does that mean "trinity" insert chirping crickets.... Anyone? What is the trinity? crickets.... Seriously, you can't tell me what the trinity is?

J: The Matrix! The Matrix!

Me: Yes, J that is exactly what the trinity is. A movie about dudes running around in long black shiny trench coats. Or maybe, just maybe it is the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. Ya, think?

J: Looking confused...I guess.

Insert class laughing here

This of course prompted me to tell the story of one of my favorite students from back in the day when I taught Catholic school. I loved that school and loved how I could always lay on the Catholic guilt, guilt free.

One day J.N. a sweet, yet not so bright 6th grader, was doing something which prompted me to say to him, "Now J, that isn't a very Christian thing to do."

He looked at me confused, thought for a moment and said, "I thought I was Catholic."

To whit I responded, "Good news J, today you get two for the price of one."

See there, the title was fitting. Now my husband is good for three things (don't pressure me and ask for a list).

Somewhere My Grandma Is Sheading A Single Tear

See these fine machines? They finally arrived this evening. It is a sad day when you brag to your students that their arrival is the highlight of your day. Good news, J's puppy pillow made it through the maiden voyage. Ahhhh, the sweet sweet sounds of a lower water bill...I hope.

Do Slippers & Flip Flops Count?

Last night I was chatting with my parents, UK and D about a project that will be taking place around here on October 13th. About a month ago my brother had this company come out to his condo about putting in a closet organizer. My dad was really impressed and knowing how crappy our closets are, I gave them a call to see if we could swing a small renovation with left over tax return dollars.

Jen came out three weeks ago and gave an estimate and we are pushing forward. In her interview with me about our needs I mentioned I needed room for my shoes. She asked about how many pairs of shoes I had and my response was, "I don't even think I can guess. A lot, maybe 50."

So in mentioning this with UK he was flabbergasted. He didn't think I was serious. My mom was like, "Jen, I don't even think I have that many shoes."

So this afternoon after changing the linens in our room I sat down and counted. I was wrong I don't have 50. I have 54...but hey that includes slippers and flip flops. Carrie Bradshaw may have her Manolos from Barneys, but I have my Mossimos from Target. Is that so wrong?

On Small Step for Man One Sure Step for J

Have you ever seen these before? I haven't, well at least until they were put on J's feet yesterday. They are called Sure Steps. I mean really is there anything else we can add to this kid's life? J's feet are "extremely pronated" and therefore he needs support in his feet/ankles to encourage him standing straighter and in turn increasing his upper trunk strength. You should see how wide his feet look in shoes. You know the song by Chris Farley, "Fat man in a little coat"? Well, this is like, "Skinny kid with fat old feet".

I was sure I would hear from J, "I don't like these. Take off NOW!" But instead I got, "Cooooool! I like it. I run fast!" And run fast he did. Proving once again I know jack shit about my kids. Step aside blogging moms, I am Mother of the Year!

You Had Me At Aim Small Miss Small

Every year around this time I celebrate back to school with a week long viewing of "The Patriot". Thanks to TBS and TNT many of the students have seen this movie and enjoy watching it again. This year for whatever reason I have a large number of students who have not seen this movie which is fine I like to see the raw emotions they have after watching this scene.

During this scene on particular student's comments made me chuckle.
1. Miss, how could Mel Gibson do all this shit then make Passion of the Christ?
2. This is my new favorite movie.
3. Samuel and Nathan it's time to become men.

and my personal favorite in the end Mel is soaked with blood after going bat shit crazy and he says...
4. Isn't he worried about getting AIDS?

New Year, New Funny One Liners

Chapter 2: Europeans Establish New Colonies --Section 5: The Middle Colonies

Me: Current day Pennsylvania was founded by William Penn who was a Quaker. Does anyone know what a Quaker is? insert wait time here Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? What if I told you they are similar to the Amish? There are several Amish communities in Pennsylvania too.

Student: Old fashioned people.

Me: Okay. How about they way they live and their physical appearance?

Student: They don't believe in electricity.

Me: Good what else? nothing Okay, well the Amish...and when they turn 16 they have period called rumspringa in which they can leave the community and spend a year experiencing life outside of their community. This is similar to a barmitzva in the Jewish faith and for you girls who have had a quinceanera, this is the same type of thing. In a nutshell it's coming of age.

Student: So for white people like you it's their Sweet Sixteen.

Me: Yes, exactly and by exactly I mean not a thing like it at all. And just so you know the Amish and Jews are white too.

Yes, This Is My Life

Being a big bad teacher prevents me from your typical phone calls during the day. I have requested the teachers of both D and J to contact me via e-mail as it is much easier to contact me at a moments notice.

In my many years mothering D I have received many a phone call regarding D that usually begin, "Ummmm I just wanted to let you know D had a rough day." This is typically followed by some pushing, screaming, hitting or some variation thereof incident which occurred. When he is at camp and the phone rings my heart drops until I check the caller ID and then I know what will follow. "...Maybe you should come pick him up." This has happened more times than I care to remember.

The best part about your kid with Asperger's going to public school is the phone calls still happen BUT they have to keep him. Usually, I just shake my head/weep uncontrollably to my mom and encourage D to, "Be the best D you can be!"

The sinking feeling...yeah that doesn't go away though but now it's in the form of e-mails. I have received five e-mails from his inclusion facilitator in the six days he has been in school. She is a friend from grad school so I know he is in great hands but still the e-mails come with subject lines like "Update" , "Daniel" and my personal favorite "Tuesday" (or whatever day it happens to be). I am happy to report that all but one have been favorable and that one was all about how D needs to be a better sport in PE...yes, this is getting old.

Today's e-mail which caused my heart to sink was "Tuesday". Insert heart sinking here....thinking now what did he do...who pissed him off now? I'll tell you what...

I have D up in my office right now, and he had a fantastic day! He made a cool art picture in Art class that he is really proud of! He made a deal with me today that if he has a perfect week, he can make a backpack pal with me on Friday afternoon! He is really excited about it. Have a good day!

Phewwww! Then came the e-mail from the preschool teacher entitled "J". Seriously!?! What now, he is not the "problem" child a few temper tantrums here and there but what could have possibly happened between J and Girl? I will tell you what...

Just a heads up…J had quite the accident today. I think it was a “I pooped, and now I am going stick my hands in my pants to make sure” kind of a thing. By the time we noticed it was on the outside of his pants and on his back under his shirt. So we changed him and put the dirty clothes in his bag. Please send another pair or shorts/ pants when you get a chance. Just wanted to let you know!

Jealous, aren't you. FYI I forwarded it to the hubby so he could experience of an e-mail that should have read in the subject line "J: The Mad Shitter Strikes Again"!

No Really, Are They Serious?

When I first started/thought about writing this blog I never intended it to be a platform for politics. I have learned it is one thing you don't talk about in mixed company, but today I am shocked by some things I read in a Yahoo! news story.

First of all, I don't consider myself a tree hugging liberal, right wing conservative or a feminist. I consider myself an educated working mom with real issues that impact my family. If I happen to believe Obama can fix some of those issues that is my choice. If I think McCain can that will be my choice too. I refuse to believe that because I am a woman, Palin knows my plight and if other women in this country think this...well this makes me sad.

In a blog I frequent she makes some good points about the undecided voter you can read about it here. I think she makes a valid point.

As a government teacher I am excited to teach young and naive minds about the process. I pride myself that I teach my students to listen what the candidates say and not to just look at what they see but to hear.

I hate that we have turned into a nation that likes to fit things into a neat little package. If you are against abortion you must be a Republican. Apparently I am the one who is wrong. While I would never have an abortion myself, I don't think I have any right to make that decision for someone else. If that makes me a Democrat go ahead start pointing your fingers. If I think my uncle and his partner who love each other unconditionally and are mature and responsible human beings should be able to get married before my 16 year old student who got knocked up at prom and will then turn around and ask the government to pay for their daycare and food makes a Democrat, then sign me up. What I refuse to believe is that because I am a woman and Sara Palin is a woman she must get me and therefore I am now a Republican, show me where I can burn my voter registration card.

Back to the news story here are some of my favorites, and by favorites I mean do these people smoke crack? Well, we know the answer for Rush Limbaugh.

“Palin=Guns, Babies, Jesus,” he wrote in an e-mail. “Contrast that to Obama's bitter clingers. Obama just lost blue-collar, white Democratic voters in Pennsylvania and other states.”

So if I am to understand this, all blue collar workers love Guns, Babies, and Jesus. I will be sure to put this in my notes for class.

Not only is the 44-year-old governor opposed to abortion rights — but she carried and gave birth to a child with Down syndrome earlier this year, a profound and powerful motivating force to both opponents of abortion rights and the parents and relatives of special needs children.

Are we really praising her for giving birth to a child with DS? I know there are millions of women who have done so and I would bet money some of them were Democrats. Are there that many women flocking at abortion clinics to abort children with DS? If so, I will admit that I am wrong.

There were 10 or 12 women, party stalwarts, in tears, using napkins and handkerchiefs.”

Are they sure because I bet you could say the same thing about women after Obama's speech on Thursday night.

She's one of us,” wrote Michael Bane, a prominent Colorado-based gun enthusiast who has a show on the Outdoor Channel, on his blog. “FINALLY, we can get 100 percent behind the Republican ticket ... change we can believe in!”

One of who? A woman trapped in a man's body. I think there are clinical words for those type of people. What type of change is she going to bring? I'm not quite sure. Women decorating their living rooms with their husbands' freshest kill?

I know, I might be being petty but I just don't get all the hype. But that's the thing about this country you can have your opinions and I can have mine and yet we all try to find a way to get along. Whoever you chose to vote for you have your reasons and I have mine and we don't need to debate that here. But I will leave you with this conversation D had with us in the car last weekend. Sad thing is his logic isn't much different than so many others in this country.

D: Mom who are you voting for?

Me: I don't know why?

D: I was just wondering.

Me: You really aren't supposed to ask people that. Why do you want to know?

D: I don't know. I just do. If I could vote I would vote for Obama.

Me: Why?

D: Because all the presidents have been white I think the black people need a turn.

Hubby: That really shouldn't be a reason why you vote for someone.

Me: Why not, millions of other people in this country won't for the exact opposite reason.

Hubby: Good point.

Good point indeed.

Is This the Little Boy I Carried, Too?

Life with the boys is filled with days known as Therapy Thursdays and trips to various ENTs, asmatha/allergy doctors, regular doctors, OTs, PTs, and doctors of the head shrinking variety. In 2006 when J failed two hearing tests speech therapy began. With this therapy other OT and PT evals came along. In the end once a week PT sessions would be had for "low tone" in the upper trunk.

As the number one advocate for these children, I decided in March to contact the public school so I could have J evaluated and see if I can get some of these services for free. His eval was over the summer and our speech therapist informed me, "He probably won't qualify." Nonetheless with my own Mommy in tow we attended his staffing on his birthday.

Long story short, he qualified for their "at-risk" preschool and he would start in seven days, but don't worry he can take the school bus from daycare. While a relief how do you explain to a 3 year old that even though Mommy won't be there, get on this bus to a school you barely know and join in a classroom full of kids and two teachers you don't even know. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen. I was able to bring him over there a few days before my school and his school started and he seemed okay.

While I would normally take off a day of work for such events, this would also mark my first full day with students, students who need to get the 411 on Ms' U.S. History class. So I encouraged D to get J on that bus and that it would be okay. I even enlisted a fellow daycare goer to sit with J on the bus and help him out if need be.

His first day would be the day after D's first day so outside we went for "the picture". I would like to say it's because he was in a hurry to get going. But alas, it was more that he was tired and didn't want to participate in my memory making schemes.

I sent the e-mail to the teacher asking how it went and it went a little something like this. "J had a blast. He acted like he has been here for years. He is making friends and loved the bus." Indeed he did make friends. When I asked it was, "Yeah we play outside with Diego, Nicholas and Girl."

Here's to a great year with Girl, J!

Is This the Little Boy I Carried?

Many, many, many years ago my parents sent me off to kindergarten. Before I left my Dad took a picture of me in smelling a flower holding my little book bag next to the lamppost in our front yard. This is one of my Dad's favorite pictures of me. While I don't remember this moment, it was one that is ingrained in my Dad's head (not to mention along with a lot of other useless information). In an effort to keep such memories of my own children, I decided when D went off to kindergarten I would take the same type of picture, minus the dress and flower smelling thing.

This week marked the forth picture we would take of D. Have a great year Mr. Boo.

It's A Girl!

I've always wanted a girl around here. One I could buy lots of cute dresses and of course a pair of Mary Janes. Last week I got my girl, but I don't think Mary Janes are in her future.

Welcome to family Dazie!

I Gave Him My Heart & Got No Pen

Saturday my good friend B got tix to the Cubs game. It was a great day for baseball and even better because they kicked the Nationals butts. The best part of this game by far was the singing of the 7th inning stretch. To my utter surprise John Cusack aka "The Man I Can Cheat On My Husband With" sang. Luckily, we were sitting near the press box and I was at the ready for this awesome picture.











He's the one in the Cubs jersey...I SWEAR. I was hoping he would be walking in the other direction on the ramp where I would take a much more awesome picture but no such luck.

I was dying! I mean and Jeremy got off lucky! Here I was 20 feet from the man I could potentially have a one night stand with and yet it was not meant to be or was it?

After the win we were standing on Clark waiting for the shuttle back to the parking lot and a security guard was clearing the way when out of nowhere John, on a scooter, was leaving the VIP lot, looked at me and said, "Excuse Me". Mom was nervously shuffling through her purse looking for the camera but we weren't quick enough. In a flash he scooted off with who I think was Dr. Cox from Scrubs.

This was quite possibly the most exciting thing I ever experienced. I know I chicken shitted out and didn't "say anything" to him, but I was in shock and what could I have said that wouldn't have sounded totally lame. Especially something like this, "I totally have a blog named after you Lloyd Dabler!"

Do They Know The Way To San Jose?

A new school year and a new set of humorous anecdotes. It took all of 2 days. While working on a map packet this conversation took place.

J: Miss, don't you think it's kind of dangerous to have maps like these?

Me: What do you mean J?

J: What if the terrorists got these and like knew where all the cities in the U.S. are?

Me: J, I think that terrorists have better resources than your U.S. History textbook and chances are they already know how to get around the U.S.

Bologna and a side of Mashed Potatoes

I have been teaching in my building for eight years. It is a building that is about 76% Hispanic, 12% black and 10% white. I will never forget a conversation I heard between a few students talking about "black people food and Mexican food". When I asked them what they thought white people food was they quickly responded, "Bologna sandwiches, salad and mashed potatoes." It's always interesting to hear their perspective on things.

Last year a fellow social studies teacher was discussing with her current issues class racial issues and stereotypes. Of course the students started to talk about how (mind you in a class with all minorities and one white student) Mexican houses smell like tacos, black houses smell like fried chicken and then they looked at that white student and asked, "What do white people's houses smell like?" Without skipping a beat he said, "Lean Cuisine."

I find this funny on several levels. One is that everyday in our office all of the white female teachers eat either Lean Cuisines or some version thereof.

Yesterday in my American Government class something of this sort came up, yet again, and I started to tell them the story I just told you. Many laughed and a young African American student looked at me and said, "What's Lean Cuisine?" His friend next to him laughed and said, "Hot Pockets with broccoli."

I could not contain my laughter and when I did I headed down to the office to watch my friend K heat up her Lean Pocket and it began again.

Brother Can You Spare A Dime?

Ahhhhh yes it's that time again! Working with the members of my team was quite the treat today. We have a new member with whom I am quite excited to be working with this year. She has been in the district for several years, but in a different building and was calling to task two of my favorite team members. It was AWESOME. She was all, "Uh, T? M? Do you have anything to share? I can't do this alone!" Oh M#2, where have you been all my life? You say things that I think. This is going to be a good year!

While we were working on a goal today M#2 and I started to think about how my subject matter (U.S. History) and her subject matter (English) overlap in themes. Since U.S. History moves at the speed of sound it was difficult to get some interdisciplinary units going, but we did decide that we could chose a theme. One idea we had was, change. What drives change? Why do people seek change? We were feeling pretty good about this while M#1 and T were chatting up their subjects.

M#2 begins to explain to M#1 and T what we were talking about. She mentions we would like to focus first semester around the common thread of change. M#1 looks at her square in the face and I shit you not says, "Change? Like loose change in your pockets? How does that go across the curriculum?" Yes, M#1 loose change that is exactly what we are talking about!

When I began to laugh she was all, "Well how was I supposed to know what you two were talking about?" I felt like saying something snide and sarcastic but I resisted, I will take the high road this year....well at least until October.

Memoir

Today was , to me, the official beginning of the 2008-2009 school year. We are in heart of meeting time for small learning communities (SLC). I consider myself a team player but these meetings are H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E. I literally feel like I am being punished. We are supposed to learn things, but let's be honest professional development is a fancy way for administrators to feel that they are providing "valuable" and "useful" information unto us lowly teachers.

Our school, in some circles is referred to as "ghetto". Others may say our kids our educationally disenfranchised. I call it a great place to spend 180 days in the company of some great teachers and friends and some colorful kids to boot. In order for our school to become, "enfranchised" (if there is such a word) we are all about the three Rs. Rigor, Relevance and Relationships. Our meeting today would focus on Rigor.


The first task of the day was to, and I quote, "Let's get started with some rigor of our own." Some fancy pants educator wrote an article entitled The Short, Happy Lives of Teachers (I would include a link but I would like to keep you as a reader). This article talked about an author who wrote the book Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure. Our facilitator asked us to then write our own six word memoir about our teaching experiences to date. I came up with four pearls of wisdom. Two I shared with my team the other I will only share with you. See if you can guess which is which.

1. Try something different, it can't hurt.
2. Learn to say no, save yourself.
3. Can't make them dumber, already tried.
4. Those who can't, really do teach.

PS-To all those who have requested a post I hope I have fulfilled your wanting. Thanks for reading!

Looks Like I Made It

Tomorrow concludes my month long grad school extravaganza. I managed to make it through alive and now I am only three courses away from completion. Not much exciting happened in these four weeks other than reading, writing of reflection papers, and attending eight hours of class three days a week. Now the really hard work begins. Mothering in the summer.

D has not coped well with the non-structure of summer. As of last night we have had to increase his meds twice. The Dr. informed me that if things settle down when school starts up again we can decrease the dose. I feel so badly for him. Today's obsession is Halloween. I know, it's July 1st. I think he may have a future in retail. I am sure by August 1st he will be making his Christmas list. In addition, to his daily obsessions he has fixated on a play date with K's kids that will take place on July 7th. Everyday there is a list of activities and food menu. Cupcakes need to be baked for this event. As I type he reminds me we need to go noooooowwwwww for plain brown bags to decorate for trick-or-treating. Each child will have a bag on this play date, because that is just how D rolls. My heart breaks for the endless running that goes on in his mind. The other day I gave him one of those big exercise balls to bounce on so he could get the wiggles out. He bounced for 20 minutes straight.

J has been going to daycare which every morning he says, "I doe wanna go to daycare." We get there and he sees his friends and I am but a memory. Today was water day so all was right with the world. Tomorrow is J's last day at daycare until I go back to work in August, so there will tears; mine not his.

In honor of finishing these many days of class, I have a very important appointment this evening in which I will have to make a critical decision. Should I pick Kreme de la Kremlin or Cosmo-Not Tonight Honey for my toe color?

It Only Took One Week

I grew up in a house with a Northsider father and Southsider mother. In terms of baseball in Chicago you know what this means. Being a daddy's little girl I tended to gravitate towards the Cubs. My brother being a Mama's boy, a Sox fan. If I have to hear my brother talk about how they have 9 fingers left and we have 10 (in reference to championship rings) I will literally smack him! However, I choose not to lower myself to such childishness.

A few years ago during the Cross Town Classic I remember a friend commenting on the number of Southside fans with shirts insulting the Cubs. It makes me wonder, why are you spending money on shirts with "our" team name on it? Support your own team and move on. While I am not finger pointing, because I know it happens on our side too, it always seems whenever I talk to a Southside fan they comment on how bad my precious Cubs are. STOP! Worry about your own team and let me continue to be disappointed every October.

I mention all of this because today in grad school we had a guest speaker who made me think of this jaded relationship with North and Southsiders alike. He was a policeman from the town in which I teach giving us information on gangs. He went through Gangs 101, why they join...blah blah blah....In his presentation he had several photos of gang member memorabilia collected by the 5-O over the years. One in particular item caught my eye. It was a hoodie with several rival gang member symbols either turned down or cracked. To those of you not up on gang culture this is a way to "dis" the other gang. For example, let's say I am a member of the Hammerston Gang. Our logo is a Hammer, many of my hoodies would have hammers all it. Well, on the other side of the river is my rival, the Axe Gang whose logo is an axe. In an attempt to "dis" me they would have graffiti all over town with my Hammer logo pointing down. Yes, intimidating and reason to kill someone, I know.

Anyway, as I looked at this hoodie marked with "dissed" logos all over the place I leaned over to my classmate and said, "This gang is like the Chicago White Sox fan of gangs. They spend all their time making a hoodie in an attempt to talk smack about their rivals. Make a damn hoodie with your own logo and support your own gang!"

Woo Woo Cubed

TIMES

EQUALS

What an awesome weekend!

Motivational Posters

I am sure many of you have seen these posters in e-mails. They make me chuckle for sure. There are a few that some might feel are offensive, so I put one of the tame ones here. However, there are a few with some overweight people that while humorous, I can't help but feel bad because they are after all people who, either knowingly or not, have their picture floating around in an unflattering picture with words like Mooseknuckle written underneath.

Anyway my point is this. You know how sometimes the news has stories about obesity, heart disease or any other ailment associated with overweightedness and they show people walking down the sidewalk from about mid chest down? This, I suppose, is to illustrate that overweight people walk down the street everyday and we live amongst them because if they did do a news story without a graphic of overweight people I am sure many of us would not be clear as to what "they" look like.

Back to my point... I seriously worry that one day I will be watching the news and one of those stories will come on and I will be like, "Holy Shit, that is me walking down the street!" I don't know if that would kick my ass to workout a little harder but until then I will happily sit here on my computer doing nothing to avoid that ever happening.

Hail To A Possible Chief

Those of you who know me know my aunt who lives in NJ. Today she sent a photo packed e-mail. She happened to be driving through this quaint little town in NJ and look who she saw. Here are my observations/comments.







1. Who names these buses? Straight Talk Express? Considering who's inside isn't that an oxymoron?

2. Look at that HOT Secret Service guy! Not sure but he might be the one in the sunglasses.

3. No sunglasses but just as HOT. I think he is saying to himself, "Look, the lady with the camera and silver fox hair, isn't she the one with the gorgeous niece in Chicago I would love to meet?"







4. He does look kinda old. I mean I always thought Ronald Reagan looked real old but when he was in office I was 8-16 so a little perspective.

While I might not be voting for this particular man come November, I do think it would have been neat to meet him. Please don't tell my future husband John Cusack who needs my help.

Co-ed, Mother & Wife

Tomorrow begins a fun-filled four weeks of grad school from 8:00-4:00. Back when I was working on my first Maters I took classes in the summer of '03 and '04. I was the mother of one back then and Grammie so kindly took care of D so we could save money on daycare. Though not my first choice of things to do in the summer it wasn't so bad. It was only three and a half hours and three days a week. I was able to finish my Masters in two years; graduated 7.5 months pregnant and thought, "Good for me!"

While home on my maternity leave in the Fall of '05 I thought I could go back for my Type 75 (the type you need to be a principal). I put it off and last March began my quest. I decided not to go for another Masters because really there is no benefit, monetarily or otherwise. The nice thing about where I am getting my Type 75 is they are on trimesters. I can get 3 classes done a year and I only need 10 classes total. As of today, I am half way done.

Summer would bring more classes. Last summer I took School Law. For those of you who love this movie...boraphyll! Grammie watched both boys, but I think it was a little much. J is active to say the least and keeping up with him outside of his own environment is difficult for a woman in her ______years.

This summer I am taking two classes. While I am dreading it, on July 2nd I will be only 3 classes away from my Type 75 and will have done so in less than 2 years. D does not do well at daycare. One of the teachers he just doesn't jive with and him being there all day could be a recipe for disaster. We have been asked to leave two daycares because of his issues and I can't put any of us through that again. I asked him to go to camp at our gym. There were tears about mean kids and camp counselors who don't care. I could have put him at the Special Ed park district day camp but I don't know if that is exactly what he needs either. So off to Grammie's he went this afternoon. Grammie and Pa bought him new bike and hopefully he won't fight them too much on that front. J will be attending the daycare for the next few weeks. On an up note he is pretty much potty trained there...home he just can't be bothered he says, "No thanks. No potty". Fast forward 10 minutes to Diego or Transformer underwear with a mud pie. This is one phase that I would love to just skip!

Which leaves me to how I feel at 9:26 the night before class. I am dreading it. I just want to get it over with! The anxiety about what I will have to read, write, collaborate with and all the other crap that goes along with grad school is killing me. I can guarantee a Super Big Gulp Margarita in my future on July 2nd!

Reading Corner

It is so weird to me how I can have two children that are at times so much alike and other times so different. For about two months now J has taken a liking to this Dr. Seuss favorite. Always asking us to read it to him. J has always been of a fan of reading. He will sit in the corner and "read" lots of books at a time. Today he sat down on the recliner grabbed his favorite book and said, "Dr. Seuss's A B C book". Turned the page and on the inside cover is the same thing and he replied, "Dr. Seuss's A B C book". It was so cute he then began to read the first three pages up to "Donuts and a duck dog D...D...D..

D was never a fan of sit and listen to this book I will read you. I would often read and he would meander around the room. However, he was our little computer baby. He memorized the entire Dr. Seuss's Cat in the Hat by reading it on the computer and then found the book on the shelf and read the entire thing cover to cover at age 3.

I am quite lucky to have kids who enjoy reading in some way. They certainly did not get that from me. When I was a kid my mom practically had to force me to read. I absolutely hated it. As an adult I love to read but with grad school I don't seem to have the time. Well, perhaps I could stop watching reruns of shows I have seen but that just isn't as fun.

.644

Say it loud say it proud; THE BEST TEAM IN BASEBALL!

I'll Take The Window Seat

This morning on my way to work. I know what you all are thinking, didn't your school year just end? Why yes it did. I was already back for meetings. So much for the battery our principal told us to recharge. The DJs were discussing irrational fears. He mentioned that he has heard of parents who refuse to fly together if they have kids that are not traveling with them. He went on to say that some don't even ride in the same car together without their kids. This, while probably harder to do, seemed more "rational". I mean the likelihood of being in a fatal car accident it more likely than a plane, right? FYI-I try not to think of either.

This reminded me of the time J and I went to Vegas when D was 15 months old. About two minutes before we left for the airport I wrote on a Post-it note "Should anything happen to J and I on this trip we would like my parents to raise D." We both then signed said Post-it. Seriously. I stuck it to our kitchen counter and hoped our wishes would be carried out.

I never thought about this before. Partially because J and I haven't been on a plane without the boys since then, but still. Have any of you ever considered flying separately? If J takes me on that "Congratulations on Finishing Your Type 75 Trip" we are planning for next March, it may not be that bad of an idea. Irrational though? I don't know.

I will tell you what is irrational. My fear of being arrested and sent to prison for a crime I didn't commit. Not like Ashley Judd in Double Jeopardy or anything, but like on of those you always see on Law and Order shows where something happens that links you to something and you have no alibi because you decided to go for a walk or watch movies alone. It's always the ones that decide to stay home alone that end up sitting in an all woman prison in down state Illinois wondering, "How the hell did this happen to me?"

So, what's your irrational fear?

Shopliftin' in the Burbs

Yesterday I took the boys (much to their chagrin) shopping for some end of year gifts for teachers. Being a teacher myself I put much thought into these gifts. For those of you who search for the perfect gift, I guarantee you it isn't on of these.



'Cuz if it were true I would most likely have one of these and I most certainly do not.

I decided instead on a few items from my new favorite store. I also could leave without getting myself a little end of year gift; hidden from the hubby until about 10:49 last night when he found me organizing the new bag. Anyway, I was standing to the side of the register waiting for the girl to wrap the teachers' gifts when the lady at the cash register walks towards me and says in a stern mom voice, "Excuse me you are going to have to give me those." At first I was like, "Is she talking to me?", but I quickly realized she was talking to a lady in her mid 60s who was perusing the spinning stationary rack. Apparently the lady had put two pens in her purse. I swear to God you would have thought this was happening to me. My heart started beating as she was talking to this woman, who I believe was with her daughter or perhaps her niece. I think niece because she didn't refer to her as her mom.

The salesclerk continued to probe the woman and say "Give me the pens, I saw you put them in your purse. You are going to have to leave the store immediately and never come back. This is not the first time we have asked you to leave. We have caught her one other time putting things in her purse. I will save you the embarrassment of calling security, but I am going to ask you to never return to this store." She did give them back to her rather quickly and without incident. As a matter of fact she sort of had a perplexed look on her face.

I really felt bad for the girl she was with. She apologized profusely and explained she was on several medications. The salesclerk said nothing, which quite honestly what was she going to say, "That's okay."? The girl she was with continued to make her return and shortly after my gifts were wrapped and off I went. J and the boys were just outside the store eating their mall favorite, Auntie Anne's Pretzels and I said to J, "See this lady over here? Look at her. I am going to tell you something about her in the car."

As we walked past I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. Maybe she is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's or something. She didn't look like the type to shoplift Vera Bradley pens, but then again I have seen those women on Oprah who steal shit for the sake of stealing shit and they look normal too.

Ohhhh, That's What It's For!

My friends and family are very supportive of my blog. I have those who are faithful readers and my friend K has even told her friends of my blog. I can only hope this will serve as an springboard to a movie being made about me so I can wear a pearl necklace like Hilary Swank did in Freedom Writers.

Today my friend F was kind enough to tell me about a research paper a colleague was grading. Her e-mail went a little like this.

Jennifer,

Knew you’d LOVE this, so I’m forwarding it. This is from one of S’s students’ research papers on “Gay Rights”. Needless to say, this student opposes gay rights.

-F

As I scrolled down I came across this juicy morsel.

"The penis was made for the vagina and the anus was meant to be a "one way street.""

Never a dull moment around here. Do you really need to ask why I work here?

Classroom Cleanout

As another school year comes to a close, I have been cleaning out drawers, folders, cabinets and such. I came across a note I received at the beginning of the school year. I saved this letter because in my 14 years of teaching it was quite possibly the funniest note I have ever received from a parent.

Every year when we teach the American Revolution we show The Patriot (for its historical accuracy of course). The movie is rated R so permission slips are required. In typical sophomore fashion they forget/lose them. In such an instance I tell the students to have their parent write a note giving them permission to watch the movie. This is note I received on a ripped 1/4 piece of crumpled up notebook paper.

"Billy has my permission to watch a x-rayed movie."

To answer your questions...
1. I don't show porn...unless historically accurate.
2. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

Now I Can Breathe

Ahhhhhhhhhh, I have enough money to cover the down payment I put on my credit card for this field trip we are going on this Friday. I have 25 students including the four of us teachers. I will make them pay, don't you worry.

I called the Dave and Busters lady and said I have 25 of the 50 people I thought would come. Waited for her response and she informed me that she would adjust the contract. WHEW! J can order his new laptop with that Economic Stimulus Check. Perhaps Vera Bradley will get a visit from me.

It killed me when one of my students said to me, "Miss I can't go. My parents are having money problems." This made me sad because when I was in high school, I didn't know jack shit about my parents' money issues. I just don't think it's right that a 16 year old had to say those words to me. I felt badly for him. I wanted to say, "Don't worry A, President Bush just gave me $1,800.00 and I can spare $35.00."

But then I would have to do it for everyone and I guarantee there are a few douche bags I wouldn't want to extend that same opportunity. So for now A, "I am sorry you live in a school district where we can't afford to send you on a field trip you worked hard for because the school district 5 minutes away has a much better tax base and an effin' mall to supplement the already overfunded school district. Don't worry though, you are receiving a free and appropriate education, just not one that can take you on a bus for gaming and burgers."

DUH

You may remember from a previous post, D's stomach problems. Well, after a few nights of complaining and pain to the point of D waking up we decided, let's call the doctor. Anyone who knows us, knows Grammie is the go to gal for Dr. appointments. Like the dutiful Grammie she is, when J called to say the Dr. would see D at 4:00, off she went.

About an hour ago I received a phone call from Grammie with a humorous anecdote that occurred at the doctor.

Dr: Is he constipated?

Grammie: No.

Dr: How do you know?

Grammie: My daughter said he wasn't.

Dr: D have you been pooping?

D: Yes.

Dr: How often?

D: Whenever I need to.

Dr: Well....that's always good.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you my son, the genius.

Reagan, A Man with Talent

Since the Johnson posting my friend Kathy commented I should set the kids up for some other presidential fodder...Filmore, Polk, and Bush. I can do one better. We have a reading for the 80's that goes a little something like this.

....Ronald Reagan was a master debater....

Go ahead, say it again. Again, this time I little bit faster.

There you go. Funny right? Try not laughing in front of a classroom full of 16 and 17 year olds when only one of them gets it and you try to ignore the fact that it is friggin' hilarious.

Ignorance is a Bitch

It's been two and a half years since we were able to a get this diagnosis to explain just exactly was going in in D's life. A trip to a psychiatrist confirmed, but she felt this diagnosis was prevalent as well. The years leading up to this point was filled with feelings of poor mothering, embarrassment, loneliness, anger, and sadness. I will never forget telling a co-worker something D had done and him looking at me like I was to blame. All I really wanted was for him to be able to make it through a birthday party or playdate without having a complete meltdown. While I realize many moms have to worse, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, not even my worst enemy (of which I have many).

These past two years have consisted of weekly psychologist visits, weekly pragmatic group therapy and eventually medication. While the road has been long we have made progress. My parents remind me the glass is indeed half full. His school social worker also informs me progress is being made and "things will get better".

Then Friday happened. D had been complaining for the past few days off stomach pain. In typical mom fashion I shrugged it off and told him to go to the bathroom. Isn't that what your mom did with you? This Friday would be different. On and on the whining went and then I said, "Is something bothering you?" D informed me his close friend A's mom told A that D was a bully. I was shocked. This mother had the nerve after we had explained to her that D is on the autism spectrum. Her response, "Oh, I knew he had an aide but I didn't know that was why." Apparently her IQ of a tree frog has not served her well. In addition, a few weeks ago she told her son A, that D was "...too sensitive in a bad way." I have done my best in this blog to keep out names, but I am half tempted to post this bitch's name and address. When she dropped her kid off here about a month ago for a playdate and arrived SIX hours later we said nothing. Now, I will not remain silent. Actually I will, I am making J handle this one.

I have a tendency to get a little emotional when it comes to D. I know I will cry and seem like this weak little piss ant, so I will let J do the talking. While I won't be doing the calling I have plenty to say about what should be said to this mother. Here are a few choice questions I have for her. Feel free to e-mail me anymore suggestions.

So, since you find it necessary to pick on an 8 year old with a disability do you also...
a. spend your weekends in parking lots at the mall and make fun of people in handicapped spots?

b. think people with Alzheimer's don't try hard enough to remember things?

c. think your only child is a spoiled piece of shit who tried to leave our house stealing one of D's toys?

d. feel better about yourself knowing my kid is trying to find ways to make YOU like him?

Seriously though this beeotch better hope I never get a job as a teacher or administrator in a building where her son goes to school, because then, all bets are off! There I've said my piece.

Johnson, Not Just the 36th President

Last year while co-teaching, D and I experienced one of those days when we were like, "...this is why I love teaching here." After something she said in class another student said, "That's what she said." That is a classic. It always makes us laugh, more so when a student says it. Then one of our other students says, "Why is that funny? I don't get." Being dedicated to the educational process we took about 5 minutes to explain to J exactly what it means when someone should or does say, "That's what she said." It was hi-lar-i-ous!

I had one of those moments today during my 5/6th period U.S. History class. We were discussing the Vietnam War (snore).

Me: ...so after reading that paragraph when did the first American attack on Vietnam take place? RAISE YOUR HAND!

B: February 1965

Me: Good. Now, RAISE YOUR HAND and tell me who ordered that attack.

Now as I go to call on J to answer this question

B: as quickly as he can before J answers- I have a big...

J: Johnson

I think I peed a little while I laughed.

Scan Me!

A few weeks ago J's ENT informed us a CT scan of his sinus cavity would be necessary in order to get to the bottom of his endless sinus infections. Being a dutiful Mommy I scheduled the appointment for April 28th. Friday, with my mother posing as me, calls the hospital to get the scoop on how to prepare J for his scan.

Due to his age, sedation would be necessary so fasting was in order. For an 11:30 scan we would arrive at 10:30. Check. No milk after 6:30 am. Check. No liquids after 8:30. Check. No food after 4:30. Tentative check. Oh yes, and no more than 6 hours of sleep. Excuse me, what? Are you aware this child is 2 years, 8 months and 15 days old? How do you explain to a 2 year, 8 month 15 day old toddler that he can't eat, drink or sleep?

So, in our master plan we would take him to a soccer themed birthday party and have him run around like crazy and get super tired. Then at 5:00pm we would put him down for a nap and wake him at 7:00pm so that he could stay awake until 12:00am. We would then wake him at 6:00 am for some milk. J would have none of this. Nap? This is what J decided would be in store.
















1:00am ~"Hmm...let's take a look at these stickers."
















1:30am~ "I hung-ree. I want cereal straws!"
















9:45am~"Seriously Daddy, I am operating on 6 hours of sleep. Count them 1-2-3-4-5-6!"
















12:45pm~"Do I look like I want apple juice and your lame salt free saltines? "
















1:00pm~"Oh yeah, this wheelchair wagon is loads of fun"
















1:00pm~"Yes, it's fun. Quit asking me. Can I take this toy home?"
















1:05pm~"Can we just stop with the pictures already. I need McDonald's and a nap!"

**UPDATE/RESULTS**

Dr. ENT tells us there was only a small area of inflammation. Which is good but bad because it doesn't really get to the bottom of what is going on. We have one more test to check to see if he has Cystic Fibrosis. In a phone call today she informed Jeremy that for now we will wait it out and see if he "grows out of this." She wants to hold off taking him to Children's because she feels the results are promising in that he might be getting better and growing out of it. In the past summer is always good for J. She would like to see him again in the Fall and hopefully by then will be "cured". Whatever. So much for modern medicine.

100 Things

1. I heart Diet Cokes of the large McDonald’s variety.
2. I have been two Europe twice.
3. The first involved a trip with my grandma and Aunt Ern.
4. My mom insisted I have an easy to take care of haircut while visiting Turkey & Croatia.
5. The Turkish street vendors referred to me as “Your son” on more than one occasion.
6. The second trip was the summer before my senior year of college. I was all girl this time around.
7. I love my husband but would leave him in a heartbeat for John Cusack, Dave Matthews or Jeremy Piven. He’s lucky, I know, OR are they?
8. I think I could actually meet John Cusack or Jeremy Piven because they are from Chicago and so am I.
9. We don’t run in the same social circles.
10. I once asked my mom if naming my second child Jack was too white trash because then my children would be Daniel and Jack which is almost like Jack Daniels.
11. Everyone thinks I am nuts. See #10.
12. I worry that having two boys will prevent me from having someone to wipe my ass when I am old. You know because that is what girls do for their moms, right?
13. We (me and my mom) had to do that for my grandma.
14. I don’t who that was hardest for. I think my grandma.
15. I lived at home until the day I was married.
16. I sometimes wish I hadn’t.
17. My grandma was 90 when she died. I miss her more than I ever thought I would.
18. My mom and I are very close.
19. We average three phone calls a day close.
20. I am “Daddy’s Little Girl”.
21. I seek his approval in almost everything I do.
22. My parents are usually always right.
23. I hate that.
24. My older son has Asperger’s.
25. I don’t think this is fair to either of us.
26. There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not reminded of this.
27. I have been in love twice.
28. The first ended badly.
29. The second will never end.
30. I think if Jennifer Garner and I met we would be great friends.
31. I spend a lot of time obsessing.
32. I hate that I have passed this on to my older son.
33. I was raised Catholic, with all that it implies.
34. I hated to read as a child.
35. I was classified as a learning disabled child in elementary school.
36. I was also in creative thinking. We’ll call it even.
37. I am addicted to Free Cell.
38. Mah Jong if it weren’t for the fact that stupid Vista would run the damn game I paid for.
39. I could buy Windows XP but I like to bitch more about stupid effin’ Vista.
40. I majored in French in college.
41. Je ne jamais l’utiliser.
42. I used Google Translate to make sure I did #41 correctly.
43. I didn’t so I changed it.
44. I have an uncle nine years older than me and we are close.
45. When I was little we would put on Barry Manilow and sing together in my grandparents’ basement.
46. At 26 I was shocked when I found out he is gay.
47. We joke that I like his partner more than him.
48. My first concert was Air Supply.
49. My first concert with my friends was New Order/PIL/Sugar Cubes.
50. I would like to forget that I was at a Richard Marx concert.
51. I have been to 7 Dave Matthews Band concerts.
52. I was pregnant with my second child when I graduated from grad school.
53. Now I know what many of my female students feel like on graduation day.
54. I check my e-mail several times a day.
55. I would do anything for my friends.
56. I don’t have a tattoo but know exactly what I will get when I do.
57. I keep putting it off because I know it will upset my parents.
58. I care too much about what other people think of me.
59. I have only one brother.
60. There is a constant pissing match between the two of us when it comes to our parents.
61. I hate that I do everything for him.
62. I would hate it more if I didn’t have to.
63. I truly love my job.
64. We are done having children.
65. This makes me sad.
66. My husband and I met in college.
67. I always order the same thing when I go to restaurants I frequent.
68. The Banana Cream Pie Blizzard at Dairy Queen is my weakness.
69. I love a good club sandwich.
70. I hate that I am jealous of many people.
71. Pedicures make me smile.
72. I hope one day to get my doctorate in education.
73. I think I want to do this to please my father.
74. I love talking to people from foreign countries and learning about their culture.
75. I wish I could live in LA for a year to see what it’s like.
76. I have no friends I keep in contact from my childhood.
77. My oldest friend is from high school.
78. I never get bored talking to the people I work with.
79. I feel lucky to have met them.
80. I would love to be a foster parent to high school kids.
81. My husband says we have enough problems of our own.
82. One day I hope to have the bathroom and kitchen of my dreams.
83. I am what you might call anal retentive.
84. I can often relate a real life situation to any episode of Friends or Will & Grace.
85. Talbots is my favorite store.
86. Second only to Target.
87. I don’t think I have ever spent less than $75 at Target.
88. I got rid of my credit card from there because it was too much of a crutch.
89. Nothing gives me more pleasure than buying shoes.
90. When I was in college I had 15 different pairs of Keds.
91. My favorite ones were plaid.
92. I never get sick of eating at Panera.
93. I wish they would have Coke products instead of Pepsi.
94. I feel guilty that I work instead of being an at home mom.
95. I love watching reruns of Roseanne on Nick at Nite.
96. I have to sleep with a fan on.
97. This drives my husband nuts.
98. I love that my husband knows exactly when I need/want a Diet Coke.
99. I think Tivo is by far the best invention ever.
100. I wish I had more self-confidence.

Lessons Learned From A Hooker

We own a lot of movies. Mostly on DVD but there are a few VHS throwbacks. Much like I remember getting my first CD (a post for later) I remember getting the first movie I would own. It was Christmas of 1990 and I was a freshman at BU. I received this movie in a basket with microwave popcorn, Raisinets and other movie accoutrements. The movie was Pretty Woman. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this movie. I knew/know the lines and I so wanted a millionaire to sweep me off my feet and take me on a plane to an opera and watch polo matches. Surprisingly, this is not how life works. However, something happened at work yesterday that made a Pretty Woman connection for me.

Okay, you now the part in Pretty Woman where Vivian and Edward are in bed talking. This is after a day at the polo match. Vivian threatens to leave because Edward told Phillip (George Kastanza) that she was a hooker and then Phillip hits on her. She says, "I have never felt so cheap in my life!" Then Edward says, "I doubt that." and some other mean stuff like, "...you are indeed a hooker!!!" She bolts for the door, he apologizes and then they have sex. Post-coital she is telling her life story and it goes something like this.

Vivian: When I was in high school my mom said I was a bum magnet. If there was a bum within a mile radius I would fall for him. That's how I ended up here. I followed Bum #3. I got a job as a waitress, parked cars at wrestling...and I couldn't make the rent. That's when I met Kit. She was a hooker and made it sound great. The first time I cried the entire time. Then I got a couple of regulars....it's not like this is anybody's childhood dream.

Edward: You could be so much more.

Vivian: The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?

Edward: I think you have a lot of special gifts.

END SCENE

This brings me to the title of this post. Do you even remember it? I saw a few of my students yesterday rubbing the pregnant tummy of my 15 year old student giggling and smiling about "how cool it is". Cool? Yes, remember when you were in high school 15 years old dating at 28 year old and pregnant with his baby? I thought of that Pretty Woman scene and remembered listening to one of my students talking with her friends in my room during my prep. They informed me that being pregnant at 15 isn't bad because she loves her boyfriend and babies love you. Sad, I know. So here is my teenage version of Pretty Teen Mother. Maybe it would go something like this...

So I dated a few boys in middle school and none of them seemed worthy of being my baby daddy. Then I met Maria. She was a teen mother and made it sound great. Showers, friends rubbing your belly, pooping on the birthing table, milk leaking during 7th period. How could I resist? I mean, Jesus said he'd always be there for me. If it weren't for his bitch of an ex-girlfriend who kept calling claiming he was her baby daddy life would have been perfect. Now he's in prison for 8 years I am lucky if he even sends me money for diapers.

END SCENE

Alone Again, Naturally (A Week Later)

My husband left for Germany exactly one week ago. He will return in exactly two hours. Nothing reminds you how much you appreciate your husband like a one week trip to Frankfurt, Germany. I must give a shout out to working single mothers because I am not made from that stock. I am exhausted. I give these heroes credit for having the strength to say, "I can do this on my own".

The boys had swimming this morning and I had every intention of taking them. I could not drag myself out of bed. I told my mom last night it was no big deal; if Jeremy can do it so can I. Swimming on Saturdays has been the one thing I wash my hands of and leave to him because of all the other running around I do during the week. The alarm went off this morning and I said, "Nah".

Since his departure we...
1. Spent significant dollars at Target (quite honestly this would have been done regardless)
2. Ate dinner at McDonald's...Panera for me
3. Visited Auntie Judy
4. Went to DQ with said aunt
5. Took D to first communion retreat
6. Spent significant dollars at DSW...I was lonely. Shoes comfort me. Don't you dare judge!
7. Bought boys JC Penny summer clothes
8. Picked up D from said retreat
9. Did loads of grad school homework
10. Did loads of friggin' laundry my husband didn't put away and now will certainly bring more home to do
11. 3 dishwasher loads see same reason for #10
12. Made my own lunch and ironed own clothes...worst part of husband's departure
13. Had department meeting Monday
14. D to podiatrist (thanks Grammie) to diagnose plantar faciatis and some other foot muscle thing and needs orthodics for
15. Experienced state testing for sophomores
16. Went outside to do some work at work with colleagues on a lovely day...burnt to crisp
17. Experienced reality store for sophomores. They get play money according to a job they aspire to and must go around buying the essentials to see what life would be like.
18. Took 350 sophomores to the auditorium to watch Glory Road...BAD IDEA
19. Snapped at a co-worker who had it coming... I think I did that one twice
20. Got highlights and low-lights
21. J to speech therapy (thanks Grammie)
22. D to Dr. Aimee (thanks Grammie)
23. D to group therapy (thanks Grammie)
24. Watched Peter Jennings The Century, "Poisoned Dreams" with 4 classes of sophomores
25. Spent significant dollars at Target...yes again
26. Took boys to MacDonald's...yes again
27. Threw away an ass load of papers my husband leaves piled around the house.
28. Talked to my favorite uncle on the phone last night for almost 2 hours...oh UK you are the best!

Now, I must shower to meet hubby at Woodfield where we will take the boys to Rain Forest Cafe and D to his new obsession that he sort of heard about at school and then managed to find it on the Internet. And his test scores say he is of average intelligence. Pi-shaw, I say.

Wait For It.....Wait For It

Remember the infamous words from "Field of Dreams"? If you build it they will come. Well, if you wait long enough the students will say something to completely blow you away.

Setting: U.S. History Period 10
Topic: Civil Rights Movement

Me: So, MLK wanted to achieve desegregation and equality through nonviolence. However, many of his protests turned violent because of the actions of others. For example, did anyone hear the news story last week entitled, "Fight Erupts at Anti-Violence Rally"? This is an example oxymoron. Does anyone know what an oxymoron is?

W: Isn't that the stuff you use to get out tough stains on clothes? It comes in a spray, right

me with a puzzled look....class laughs aloud...in the teacherest voice I could muster up....

Me: No, that would be Oxiclean. But good guess, one participation point for you.

See what I mean...it comes so naturally.

Pause For A Conference

About three months ago my AP asked me to go to this conference in April because she said, "I think you would be good at this. We need someone who is detailed oriented. Take a look at it and tell me what you think." A week goes by and I say, "Yes, looks good BUT it's a three day sleep away conference. I have two kids, a husband, grad school, and three days away from the classroom...that is a lot of lesson planning." Three weeks ago my itinerary came in the mail.

Off to Itasca I go. Luckily, I live only 25 minutes away, so I have been coming home in the evenings. I digress. This afternoon we were given a two hour break. I retreated to my "room" where two of my fellow teachers are staying. When this happens.

Y: (young first year health teacher) Hey, do you guys wanna see something funny?

Me: Of course.

Y: I asked my health class to write down three questions they have about sex ed.

Me: Please!! Give me those now! I guarantee this will be AWESOME!!! Lemme read 'em.

These are my Top 5. I also told Y under no circumstances is she to throw these away! Keep in mind my spelling is to give the effect of theirs.

1. Why does a girl bleed after they have sex for the first time?
My suggested answer for Y: Those are the tears of Jesus crying for you because you are no longer a virgin.

2. Is Mountain Dew the only pop that takes sperms away?

3. Does sex hurt?
My answer: Depends on the guy.

4. When you have anel sex does poop just come out real easy aftewards?

5. Can you get pregnate if you swallow the guys stuff from his privates?

Again, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried!

It's Not A Fallback Career Anymore

Setting: 5/6th Period U.S. History (this seems to be a trend)
Task: Silent seat work

Me: Don't forget if you were absent the day before break you need to make time to come in and take the essay test either before or after school.

K: Miss, I still have to do that, right?

Me: Yes K.

K: Man oh maaaaannnnn I ain't never gonna catch up. Miss, how old do you have to be to drop out?

Me: 17. Is this what you are thinking about doing?

K: Yeah, it's just too much work.

Me: That's too bad. I don't think a 17 y/o with out a high school diploma will have much luck in life.

B: Yeah, K good luck finding a job.

K: Maybe I could be a stripper.

J: It's not that easy to be a stripper. You have to take classes and stuff. You just don't sign up at a strip place. You have to take like a bunch of aerobics classes.

Me: laughing You can't be serious! Do you really believe that? Where do you go Stripper U?

J: No, Miss it's true. There are a lot of things you have to learn.

Me: Hmmm...who'da thunk it.

Side Bar

Setting: 5/6th Period U.S. History
Topic: The Cold War
Mode of Instruction: Notes on overhead projector

Me: ...so the Big 3, known as who again?

B: hand goes half way up indicating she is unsure of her answer but will try anyway (or so I thought) Okay, well I don't have the answer, but did you ever see the movie "Look Who's Talking"?

Me: Yeeeessss...

B: You know in the beginning where that little sperm thingy is swimming toward the egg...

Me: Go on....

B: Well, you see that piece of fuzz on the overhead, like blowin' around? It looks like that.

Me: wide eyed Okayyyy, so the Big 3...anyone?? Please!


Not only is that story funny in and of itself (or at least I think so) it was the second reference to the same crappy movie in a period of 3 hours.

While working in my room during my prep hour my friend D came in the room. My iPod was playing Pete Townshend's "Let My Love Open The Door" and D says, "You know what this song reminds me of? That movie "Looking Who's Talking" or was it "Look Who's Talking Too." How random, don't you think?

Wasn't Me

In the immortal words of legendary rapper Shaggy, It Wasn't Me. And let me just say for the record my pseudonym is not Emily Leatherman, it's Miss Lippy.

How I Spent My Spring Break

From my favorite student...the one with a long coat is a trench.

M: Hey Miss, how was your spring break?

Me: Good and you? I pretty much slept in everyday.

M: I went to Tennessee to see my boyfriend.

Me: Oh, did he move down there?

M: No, I visited him in prison.

Me: Ohhhh, how did that go?

M: Good, it was weird though. He is like next to where those really bad dudes are. You know like the ones who wear those helmets and shit like in Silence of the Lambs. My boyfriend says those guys are crazy and they just like throw their shit all over the place. laughter Isn't that crazy, Miss.

Me: Yes, that is crazy M.

Ahhh yes, this brings back memories of my life in suburbia when my high school boyfriend was in the clink.

Eau de Toielette...Why I Love My Job #3

Here's one that will have you shaking your head/staring at the screen in disbelief. This is an excerpt from my 9th period U.S. History class.

L: Miss, 'ya know what? Ms. K (teacher in the science department) did today?

Me: No, what?

L: She drank toilet water!

Me: What did you guys do!!!! (thinking they had played a prank on her)

L: No, really we didn't do anything! She told us that toilet water is just as clean as regular water from the faucet and contains less bacteria. So we said yeah but would you drink toilet water? And she was like yes and sent J to get her a cup full. When J came back with the water she drank the whole cup and when she was done did one of those ahhhhhhhhs, you know to say it was refreshing.

Me: Are you sure this wasn't a joke between J and Ms. K? This is quite possibly the most disgusting thing I have ever heard.

L: looking to the class to back up her claim Guys, isn't it true?

Class: Yeah Miss we saw her do it!

Me: I don't believe you. I will e-mail her and ask J too before I believe you guys.

The next day...

Me: J did you really make Ms. K drink toilet water?

J: She asked for it and at first I was just going to get water from the sink and tell her it was toilet water, but then I was like, she asked for it. So I did. Miss, it was soooo gross. I almost threw up.

Me: I think I might and I didn't even drink it.

Later in the day I received the e-mail that went something to this effect.

Jennifer:
Yes, I did in fact drink toilet water. It is not a rumor. I know it sounds strange but the water in a toilet is actually quite clean. Did I freak you out? The kids thought it was gross too. See you on Thursday.
-T

Ahhhhh ...the joys of working at my school. I tell you it never ends. I mean really, we teach in a high school with 2800 students and while I feel our school is clean the bathrooms are by no means what I would refer to as thirst quenchers!

I will be back from break on Monday so I am sure there will be something to post about soon!

Suit Up!

Because I am too neurotic for words, last night we began the search for the coveted First Communion suit that we will need in May. I have quite the expectations for this suit. If I had it my way I would get him a seersucker suit so that he would look like a page out of a Ralph Lauren catalog. This is not possible for two reasons. 1. I don't want him getting beat up in the church parking lot for looking like a "dork". 2. We have had to shop in the "husky" section and that is just a whole lotta seersuckerness.

On our sojourn to JC Penny we found many a husky suits. I have my opinions about this suit believe you me, but so does D. He wants black. I say, this isn't a funeral you get blue, tan or grey. However, I realize that getting him to wear this damn thing is more important. D was so excited trying these on. He could tell he was a "big boy". My dad told me in the dressing room while trying on the pants D said, "Pa, I think I put on a little weight." He has thanks to this. So now thanks to this the weight gain has slowed down.

In typical Jen fashion, the suit we purchased would not be the be all and end all. Sure there was more to see. Carson's...no. Von Maur...no. Nordstrom...yes, for $260. My husband thinks I am nuts. I think my brother is paying so why should I care (he is the Godfather). Yes, it is extravagant, but it is a beautiful suit. Perhaps in 6 years J can wear it?

We didn't buy it, but we did buy the shirt and tie and shoes at Nordstrom. If D had it his way we would have gotten a pair of black Crocs and called it a day. You should of heard D looking at the ties. With is hand rubbing his chin in deep thought he says to the 20 something salesman, "Hmmmm...I need something fashionable." I was all for this red number that just screamed "Body of Christ". He ended up with a yellow one that is nice but not as bold as the red. I almost got him to get a purple one but no luck.

I would like to say this trip is over, but I know myself better than that. My dad was online looking today for more choices. He found some for $600 plus. I say $260 is a bargain.