Scan Me!

A few weeks ago J's ENT informed us a CT scan of his sinus cavity would be necessary in order to get to the bottom of his endless sinus infections. Being a dutiful Mommy I scheduled the appointment for April 28th. Friday, with my mother posing as me, calls the hospital to get the scoop on how to prepare J for his scan.

Due to his age, sedation would be necessary so fasting was in order. For an 11:30 scan we would arrive at 10:30. Check. No milk after 6:30 am. Check. No liquids after 8:30. Check. No food after 4:30. Tentative check. Oh yes, and no more than 6 hours of sleep. Excuse me, what? Are you aware this child is 2 years, 8 months and 15 days old? How do you explain to a 2 year, 8 month 15 day old toddler that he can't eat, drink or sleep?

So, in our master plan we would take him to a soccer themed birthday party and have him run around like crazy and get super tired. Then at 5:00pm we would put him down for a nap and wake him at 7:00pm so that he could stay awake until 12:00am. We would then wake him at 6:00 am for some milk. J would have none of this. Nap? This is what J decided would be in store.
















1:00am ~"Hmm...let's take a look at these stickers."
















1:30am~ "I hung-ree. I want cereal straws!"
















9:45am~"Seriously Daddy, I am operating on 6 hours of sleep. Count them 1-2-3-4-5-6!"
















12:45pm~"Do I look like I want apple juice and your lame salt free saltines? "
















1:00pm~"Oh yeah, this wheelchair wagon is loads of fun"
















1:00pm~"Yes, it's fun. Quit asking me. Can I take this toy home?"
















1:05pm~"Can we just stop with the pictures already. I need McDonald's and a nap!"

**UPDATE/RESULTS**

Dr. ENT tells us there was only a small area of inflammation. Which is good but bad because it doesn't really get to the bottom of what is going on. We have one more test to check to see if he has Cystic Fibrosis. In a phone call today she informed Jeremy that for now we will wait it out and see if he "grows out of this." She wants to hold off taking him to Children's because she feels the results are promising in that he might be getting better and growing out of it. In the past summer is always good for J. She would like to see him again in the Fall and hopefully by then will be "cured". Whatever. So much for modern medicine.

100 Things

1. I heart Diet Cokes of the large McDonald’s variety.
2. I have been two Europe twice.
3. The first involved a trip with my grandma and Aunt Ern.
4. My mom insisted I have an easy to take care of haircut while visiting Turkey & Croatia.
5. The Turkish street vendors referred to me as “Your son” on more than one occasion.
6. The second trip was the summer before my senior year of college. I was all girl this time around.
7. I love my husband but would leave him in a heartbeat for John Cusack, Dave Matthews or Jeremy Piven. He’s lucky, I know, OR are they?
8. I think I could actually meet John Cusack or Jeremy Piven because they are from Chicago and so am I.
9. We don’t run in the same social circles.
10. I once asked my mom if naming my second child Jack was too white trash because then my children would be Daniel and Jack which is almost like Jack Daniels.
11. Everyone thinks I am nuts. See #10.
12. I worry that having two boys will prevent me from having someone to wipe my ass when I am old. You know because that is what girls do for their moms, right?
13. We (me and my mom) had to do that for my grandma.
14. I don’t who that was hardest for. I think my grandma.
15. I lived at home until the day I was married.
16. I sometimes wish I hadn’t.
17. My grandma was 90 when she died. I miss her more than I ever thought I would.
18. My mom and I are very close.
19. We average three phone calls a day close.
20. I am “Daddy’s Little Girl”.
21. I seek his approval in almost everything I do.
22. My parents are usually always right.
23. I hate that.
24. My older son has Asperger’s.
25. I don’t think this is fair to either of us.
26. There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not reminded of this.
27. I have been in love twice.
28. The first ended badly.
29. The second will never end.
30. I think if Jennifer Garner and I met we would be great friends.
31. I spend a lot of time obsessing.
32. I hate that I have passed this on to my older son.
33. I was raised Catholic, with all that it implies.
34. I hated to read as a child.
35. I was classified as a learning disabled child in elementary school.
36. I was also in creative thinking. We’ll call it even.
37. I am addicted to Free Cell.
38. Mah Jong if it weren’t for the fact that stupid Vista would run the damn game I paid for.
39. I could buy Windows XP but I like to bitch more about stupid effin’ Vista.
40. I majored in French in college.
41. Je ne jamais l’utiliser.
42. I used Google Translate to make sure I did #41 correctly.
43. I didn’t so I changed it.
44. I have an uncle nine years older than me and we are close.
45. When I was little we would put on Barry Manilow and sing together in my grandparents’ basement.
46. At 26 I was shocked when I found out he is gay.
47. We joke that I like his partner more than him.
48. My first concert was Air Supply.
49. My first concert with my friends was New Order/PIL/Sugar Cubes.
50. I would like to forget that I was at a Richard Marx concert.
51. I have been to 7 Dave Matthews Band concerts.
52. I was pregnant with my second child when I graduated from grad school.
53. Now I know what many of my female students feel like on graduation day.
54. I check my e-mail several times a day.
55. I would do anything for my friends.
56. I don’t have a tattoo but know exactly what I will get when I do.
57. I keep putting it off because I know it will upset my parents.
58. I care too much about what other people think of me.
59. I have only one brother.
60. There is a constant pissing match between the two of us when it comes to our parents.
61. I hate that I do everything for him.
62. I would hate it more if I didn’t have to.
63. I truly love my job.
64. We are done having children.
65. This makes me sad.
66. My husband and I met in college.
67. I always order the same thing when I go to restaurants I frequent.
68. The Banana Cream Pie Blizzard at Dairy Queen is my weakness.
69. I love a good club sandwich.
70. I hate that I am jealous of many people.
71. Pedicures make me smile.
72. I hope one day to get my doctorate in education.
73. I think I want to do this to please my father.
74. I love talking to people from foreign countries and learning about their culture.
75. I wish I could live in LA for a year to see what it’s like.
76. I have no friends I keep in contact from my childhood.
77. My oldest friend is from high school.
78. I never get bored talking to the people I work with.
79. I feel lucky to have met them.
80. I would love to be a foster parent to high school kids.
81. My husband says we have enough problems of our own.
82. One day I hope to have the bathroom and kitchen of my dreams.
83. I am what you might call anal retentive.
84. I can often relate a real life situation to any episode of Friends or Will & Grace.
85. Talbots is my favorite store.
86. Second only to Target.
87. I don’t think I have ever spent less than $75 at Target.
88. I got rid of my credit card from there because it was too much of a crutch.
89. Nothing gives me more pleasure than buying shoes.
90. When I was in college I had 15 different pairs of Keds.
91. My favorite ones were plaid.
92. I never get sick of eating at Panera.
93. I wish they would have Coke products instead of Pepsi.
94. I feel guilty that I work instead of being an at home mom.
95. I love watching reruns of Roseanne on Nick at Nite.
96. I have to sleep with a fan on.
97. This drives my husband nuts.
98. I love that my husband knows exactly when I need/want a Diet Coke.
99. I think Tivo is by far the best invention ever.
100. I wish I had more self-confidence.

Lessons Learned From A Hooker

We own a lot of movies. Mostly on DVD but there are a few VHS throwbacks. Much like I remember getting my first CD (a post for later) I remember getting the first movie I would own. It was Christmas of 1990 and I was a freshman at BU. I received this movie in a basket with microwave popcorn, Raisinets and other movie accoutrements. The movie was Pretty Woman. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this movie. I knew/know the lines and I so wanted a millionaire to sweep me off my feet and take me on a plane to an opera and watch polo matches. Surprisingly, this is not how life works. However, something happened at work yesterday that made a Pretty Woman connection for me.

Okay, you now the part in Pretty Woman where Vivian and Edward are in bed talking. This is after a day at the polo match. Vivian threatens to leave because Edward told Phillip (George Kastanza) that she was a hooker and then Phillip hits on her. She says, "I have never felt so cheap in my life!" Then Edward says, "I doubt that." and some other mean stuff like, "...you are indeed a hooker!!!" She bolts for the door, he apologizes and then they have sex. Post-coital she is telling her life story and it goes something like this.

Vivian: When I was in high school my mom said I was a bum magnet. If there was a bum within a mile radius I would fall for him. That's how I ended up here. I followed Bum #3. I got a job as a waitress, parked cars at wrestling...and I couldn't make the rent. That's when I met Kit. She was a hooker and made it sound great. The first time I cried the entire time. Then I got a couple of regulars....it's not like this is anybody's childhood dream.

Edward: You could be so much more.

Vivian: The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?

Edward: I think you have a lot of special gifts.

END SCENE

This brings me to the title of this post. Do you even remember it? I saw a few of my students yesterday rubbing the pregnant tummy of my 15 year old student giggling and smiling about "how cool it is". Cool? Yes, remember when you were in high school 15 years old dating at 28 year old and pregnant with his baby? I thought of that Pretty Woman scene and remembered listening to one of my students talking with her friends in my room during my prep. They informed me that being pregnant at 15 isn't bad because she loves her boyfriend and babies love you. Sad, I know. So here is my teenage version of Pretty Teen Mother. Maybe it would go something like this...

So I dated a few boys in middle school and none of them seemed worthy of being my baby daddy. Then I met Maria. She was a teen mother and made it sound great. Showers, friends rubbing your belly, pooping on the birthing table, milk leaking during 7th period. How could I resist? I mean, Jesus said he'd always be there for me. If it weren't for his bitch of an ex-girlfriend who kept calling claiming he was her baby daddy life would have been perfect. Now he's in prison for 8 years I am lucky if he even sends me money for diapers.

END SCENE

Alone Again, Naturally (A Week Later)

My husband left for Germany exactly one week ago. He will return in exactly two hours. Nothing reminds you how much you appreciate your husband like a one week trip to Frankfurt, Germany. I must give a shout out to working single mothers because I am not made from that stock. I am exhausted. I give these heroes credit for having the strength to say, "I can do this on my own".

The boys had swimming this morning and I had every intention of taking them. I could not drag myself out of bed. I told my mom last night it was no big deal; if Jeremy can do it so can I. Swimming on Saturdays has been the one thing I wash my hands of and leave to him because of all the other running around I do during the week. The alarm went off this morning and I said, "Nah".

Since his departure we...
1. Spent significant dollars at Target (quite honestly this would have been done regardless)
2. Ate dinner at McDonald's...Panera for me
3. Visited Auntie Judy
4. Went to DQ with said aunt
5. Took D to first communion retreat
6. Spent significant dollars at DSW...I was lonely. Shoes comfort me. Don't you dare judge!
7. Bought boys JC Penny summer clothes
8. Picked up D from said retreat
9. Did loads of grad school homework
10. Did loads of friggin' laundry my husband didn't put away and now will certainly bring more home to do
11. 3 dishwasher loads see same reason for #10
12. Made my own lunch and ironed own clothes...worst part of husband's departure
13. Had department meeting Monday
14. D to podiatrist (thanks Grammie) to diagnose plantar faciatis and some other foot muscle thing and needs orthodics for
15. Experienced state testing for sophomores
16. Went outside to do some work at work with colleagues on a lovely day...burnt to crisp
17. Experienced reality store for sophomores. They get play money according to a job they aspire to and must go around buying the essentials to see what life would be like.
18. Took 350 sophomores to the auditorium to watch Glory Road...BAD IDEA
19. Snapped at a co-worker who had it coming... I think I did that one twice
20. Got highlights and low-lights
21. J to speech therapy (thanks Grammie)
22. D to Dr. Aimee (thanks Grammie)
23. D to group therapy (thanks Grammie)
24. Watched Peter Jennings The Century, "Poisoned Dreams" with 4 classes of sophomores
25. Spent significant dollars at Target...yes again
26. Took boys to MacDonald's...yes again
27. Threw away an ass load of papers my husband leaves piled around the house.
28. Talked to my favorite uncle on the phone last night for almost 2 hours...oh UK you are the best!

Now, I must shower to meet hubby at Woodfield where we will take the boys to Rain Forest Cafe and D to his new obsession that he sort of heard about at school and then managed to find it on the Internet. And his test scores say he is of average intelligence. Pi-shaw, I say.

Wait For It.....Wait For It

Remember the infamous words from "Field of Dreams"? If you build it they will come. Well, if you wait long enough the students will say something to completely blow you away.

Setting: U.S. History Period 10
Topic: Civil Rights Movement

Me: So, MLK wanted to achieve desegregation and equality through nonviolence. However, many of his protests turned violent because of the actions of others. For example, did anyone hear the news story last week entitled, "Fight Erupts at Anti-Violence Rally"? This is an example oxymoron. Does anyone know what an oxymoron is?

W: Isn't that the stuff you use to get out tough stains on clothes? It comes in a spray, right

me with a puzzled look....class laughs aloud...in the teacherest voice I could muster up....

Me: No, that would be Oxiclean. But good guess, one participation point for you.

See what I mean...it comes so naturally.

Pause For A Conference

About three months ago my AP asked me to go to this conference in April because she said, "I think you would be good at this. We need someone who is detailed oriented. Take a look at it and tell me what you think." A week goes by and I say, "Yes, looks good BUT it's a three day sleep away conference. I have two kids, a husband, grad school, and three days away from the classroom...that is a lot of lesson planning." Three weeks ago my itinerary came in the mail.

Off to Itasca I go. Luckily, I live only 25 minutes away, so I have been coming home in the evenings. I digress. This afternoon we were given a two hour break. I retreated to my "room" where two of my fellow teachers are staying. When this happens.

Y: (young first year health teacher) Hey, do you guys wanna see something funny?

Me: Of course.

Y: I asked my health class to write down three questions they have about sex ed.

Me: Please!! Give me those now! I guarantee this will be AWESOME!!! Lemme read 'em.

These are my Top 5. I also told Y under no circumstances is she to throw these away! Keep in mind my spelling is to give the effect of theirs.

1. Why does a girl bleed after they have sex for the first time?
My suggested answer for Y: Those are the tears of Jesus crying for you because you are no longer a virgin.

2. Is Mountain Dew the only pop that takes sperms away?

3. Does sex hurt?
My answer: Depends on the guy.

4. When you have anel sex does poop just come out real easy aftewards?

5. Can you get pregnate if you swallow the guys stuff from his privates?

Again, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried!

It's Not A Fallback Career Anymore

Setting: 5/6th Period U.S. History (this seems to be a trend)
Task: Silent seat work

Me: Don't forget if you were absent the day before break you need to make time to come in and take the essay test either before or after school.

K: Miss, I still have to do that, right?

Me: Yes K.

K: Man oh maaaaannnnn I ain't never gonna catch up. Miss, how old do you have to be to drop out?

Me: 17. Is this what you are thinking about doing?

K: Yeah, it's just too much work.

Me: That's too bad. I don't think a 17 y/o with out a high school diploma will have much luck in life.

B: Yeah, K good luck finding a job.

K: Maybe I could be a stripper.

J: It's not that easy to be a stripper. You have to take classes and stuff. You just don't sign up at a strip place. You have to take like a bunch of aerobics classes.

Me: laughing You can't be serious! Do you really believe that? Where do you go Stripper U?

J: No, Miss it's true. There are a lot of things you have to learn.

Me: Hmmm...who'da thunk it.

Side Bar

Setting: 5/6th Period U.S. History
Topic: The Cold War
Mode of Instruction: Notes on overhead projector

Me: ...so the Big 3, known as who again?

B: hand goes half way up indicating she is unsure of her answer but will try anyway (or so I thought) Okay, well I don't have the answer, but did you ever see the movie "Look Who's Talking"?

Me: Yeeeessss...

B: You know in the beginning where that little sperm thingy is swimming toward the egg...

Me: Go on....

B: Well, you see that piece of fuzz on the overhead, like blowin' around? It looks like that.

Me: wide eyed Okayyyy, so the Big 3...anyone?? Please!


Not only is that story funny in and of itself (or at least I think so) it was the second reference to the same crappy movie in a period of 3 hours.

While working in my room during my prep hour my friend D came in the room. My iPod was playing Pete Townshend's "Let My Love Open The Door" and D says, "You know what this song reminds me of? That movie "Looking Who's Talking" or was it "Look Who's Talking Too." How random, don't you think?