Ohhhh, That's What It's For!

My friends and family are very supportive of my blog. I have those who are faithful readers and my friend K has even told her friends of my blog. I can only hope this will serve as an springboard to a movie being made about me so I can wear a pearl necklace like Hilary Swank did in Freedom Writers.

Today my friend F was kind enough to tell me about a research paper a colleague was grading. Her e-mail went a little like this.

Jennifer,

Knew you’d LOVE this, so I’m forwarding it. This is from one of S’s students’ research papers on “Gay Rights”. Needless to say, this student opposes gay rights.

-F

As I scrolled down I came across this juicy morsel.

"The penis was made for the vagina and the anus was meant to be a "one way street.""

Never a dull moment around here. Do you really need to ask why I work here?

Now I Can Breathe

Ahhhhhhhhhh, I have enough money to cover the down payment I put on my credit card for this field trip we are going on this Friday. I have 25 students including the four of us teachers. I will make them pay, don't you worry.

I called the Dave and Busters lady and said I have 25 of the 50 people I thought would come. Waited for her response and she informed me that she would adjust the contract. WHEW! J can order his new laptop with that Economic Stimulus Check. Perhaps Vera Bradley will get a visit from me.

It killed me when one of my students said to me, "Miss I can't go. My parents are having money problems." This made me sad because when I was in high school, I didn't know jack shit about my parents' money issues. I just don't think it's right that a 16 year old had to say those words to me. I felt badly for him. I wanted to say, "Don't worry A, President Bush just gave me $1,800.00 and I can spare $35.00."

But then I would have to do it for everyone and I guarantee there are a few douche bags I wouldn't want to extend that same opportunity. So for now A, "I am sorry you live in a school district where we can't afford to send you on a field trip you worked hard for because the school district 5 minutes away has a much better tax base and an effin' mall to supplement the already overfunded school district. Don't worry though, you are receiving a free and appropriate education, just not one that can take you on a bus for gaming and burgers."

Lessons Learned From A Hooker

We own a lot of movies. Mostly on DVD but there are a few VHS throwbacks. Much like I remember getting my first CD (a post for later) I remember getting the first movie I would own. It was Christmas of 1990 and I was a freshman at BU. I received this movie in a basket with microwave popcorn, Raisinets and other movie accoutrements. The movie was Pretty Woman. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this movie. I knew/know the lines and I so wanted a millionaire to sweep me off my feet and take me on a plane to an opera and watch polo matches. Surprisingly, this is not how life works. However, something happened at work yesterday that made a Pretty Woman connection for me.

Okay, you now the part in Pretty Woman where Vivian and Edward are in bed talking. This is after a day at the polo match. Vivian threatens to leave because Edward told Phillip (George Kastanza) that she was a hooker and then Phillip hits on her. She says, "I have never felt so cheap in my life!" Then Edward says, "I doubt that." and some other mean stuff like, "...you are indeed a hooker!!!" She bolts for the door, he apologizes and then they have sex. Post-coital she is telling her life story and it goes something like this.

Vivian: When I was in high school my mom said I was a bum magnet. If there was a bum within a mile radius I would fall for him. That's how I ended up here. I followed Bum #3. I got a job as a waitress, parked cars at wrestling...and I couldn't make the rent. That's when I met Kit. She was a hooker and made it sound great. The first time I cried the entire time. Then I got a couple of regulars....it's not like this is anybody's childhood dream.

Edward: You could be so much more.

Vivian: The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?

Edward: I think you have a lot of special gifts.

END SCENE

This brings me to the title of this post. Do you even remember it? I saw a few of my students yesterday rubbing the pregnant tummy of my 15 year old student giggling and smiling about "how cool it is". Cool? Yes, remember when you were in high school 15 years old dating at 28 year old and pregnant with his baby? I thought of that Pretty Woman scene and remembered listening to one of my students talking with her friends in my room during my prep. They informed me that being pregnant at 15 isn't bad because she loves her boyfriend and babies love you. Sad, I know. So here is my teenage version of Pretty Teen Mother. Maybe it would go something like this...

So I dated a few boys in middle school and none of them seemed worthy of being my baby daddy. Then I met Maria. She was a teen mother and made it sound great. Showers, friends rubbing your belly, pooping on the birthing table, milk leaking during 7th period. How could I resist? I mean, Jesus said he'd always be there for me. If it weren't for his bitch of an ex-girlfriend who kept calling claiming he was her baby daddy life would have been perfect. Now he's in prison for 8 years I am lucky if he even sends me money for diapers.

END SCENE

Pause For A Conference

About three months ago my AP asked me to go to this conference in April because she said, "I think you would be good at this. We need someone who is detailed oriented. Take a look at it and tell me what you think." A week goes by and I say, "Yes, looks good BUT it's a three day sleep away conference. I have two kids, a husband, grad school, and three days away from the classroom...that is a lot of lesson planning." Three weeks ago my itinerary came in the mail.

Off to Itasca I go. Luckily, I live only 25 minutes away, so I have been coming home in the evenings. I digress. This afternoon we were given a two hour break. I retreated to my "room" where two of my fellow teachers are staying. When this happens.

Y: (young first year health teacher) Hey, do you guys wanna see something funny?

Me: Of course.

Y: I asked my health class to write down three questions they have about sex ed.

Me: Please!! Give me those now! I guarantee this will be AWESOME!!! Lemme read 'em.

These are my Top 5. I also told Y under no circumstances is she to throw these away! Keep in mind my spelling is to give the effect of theirs.

1. Why does a girl bleed after they have sex for the first time?
My suggested answer for Y: Those are the tears of Jesus crying for you because you are no longer a virgin.

2. Is Mountain Dew the only pop that takes sperms away?

3. Does sex hurt?
My answer: Depends on the guy.

4. When you have anel sex does poop just come out real easy aftewards?

5. Can you get pregnate if you swallow the guys stuff from his privates?

Again, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried!

Side Bar

Setting: 5/6th Period U.S. History
Topic: The Cold War
Mode of Instruction: Notes on overhead projector

Me: ...so the Big 3, known as who again?

B: hand goes half way up indicating she is unsure of her answer but will try anyway (or so I thought) Okay, well I don't have the answer, but did you ever see the movie "Look Who's Talking"?

Me: Yeeeessss...

B: You know in the beginning where that little sperm thingy is swimming toward the egg...

Me: Go on....

B: Well, you see that piece of fuzz on the overhead, like blowin' around? It looks like that.

Me: wide eyed Okayyyy, so the Big 3...anyone?? Please!


Not only is that story funny in and of itself (or at least I think so) it was the second reference to the same crappy movie in a period of 3 hours.

While working in my room during my prep hour my friend D came in the room. My iPod was playing Pete Townshend's "Let My Love Open The Door" and D says, "You know what this song reminds me of? That movie "Looking Who's Talking" or was it "Look Who's Talking Too." How random, don't you think?

How I Spent My Spring Break

From my favorite student...the one with a long coat is a trench.

M: Hey Miss, how was your spring break?

Me: Good and you? I pretty much slept in everyday.

M: I went to Tennessee to see my boyfriend.

Me: Oh, did he move down there?

M: No, I visited him in prison.

Me: Ohhhh, how did that go?

M: Good, it was weird though. He is like next to where those really bad dudes are. You know like the ones who wear those helmets and shit like in Silence of the Lambs. My boyfriend says those guys are crazy and they just like throw their shit all over the place. laughter Isn't that crazy, Miss.

Me: Yes, that is crazy M.

Ahhh yes, this brings back memories of my life in suburbia when my high school boyfriend was in the clink.

Eau de Toielette...Why I Love My Job #3

Here's one that will have you shaking your head/staring at the screen in disbelief. This is an excerpt from my 9th period U.S. History class.

L: Miss, 'ya know what? Ms. K (teacher in the science department) did today?

Me: No, what?

L: She drank toilet water!

Me: What did you guys do!!!! (thinking they had played a prank on her)

L: No, really we didn't do anything! She told us that toilet water is just as clean as regular water from the faucet and contains less bacteria. So we said yeah but would you drink toilet water? And she was like yes and sent J to get her a cup full. When J came back with the water she drank the whole cup and when she was done did one of those ahhhhhhhhs, you know to say it was refreshing.

Me: Are you sure this wasn't a joke between J and Ms. K? This is quite possibly the most disgusting thing I have ever heard.

L: looking to the class to back up her claim Guys, isn't it true?

Class: Yeah Miss we saw her do it!

Me: I don't believe you. I will e-mail her and ask J too before I believe you guys.

The next day...

Me: J did you really make Ms. K drink toilet water?

J: She asked for it and at first I was just going to get water from the sink and tell her it was toilet water, but then I was like, she asked for it. So I did. Miss, it was soooo gross. I almost threw up.

Me: I think I might and I didn't even drink it.

Later in the day I received the e-mail that went something to this effect.

Jennifer:
Yes, I did in fact drink toilet water. It is not a rumor. I know it sounds strange but the water in a toilet is actually quite clean. Did I freak you out? The kids thought it was gross too. See you on Thursday.
-T

Ahhhhh ...the joys of working at my school. I tell you it never ends. I mean really, we teach in a high school with 2800 students and while I feel our school is clean the bathrooms are by no means what I would refer to as thirst quenchers!

I will be back from break on Monday so I am sure there will be something to post about soon!

Why I Love My Job #1

This is an oldie but a goodie. This was during my co-teaching years. D and I worked together for 3 years and together have amassed a book/sitcom worth of student comments. And if M knew she made the blog her smile would light up a room.

Backdrop: Room 182. January 2007. U.S. History: Introduction to WWI.

D: During WWI there were several tactics used. One of which were trenches. Does anyone know what a trench is?

insert crickets chirping... and then finally a hand goes up...

M: A long coat?

insert the two compassionate teachers laughing/cracking up to, of course, make her feel validated

D: Yes, WWI was won with the use of long coats.


We love M.