If Third Graders Could Vote

Mom, did you know if Sara Pallin becomes vice president she will kill all the animals in the forest?

No, I didn't know that. I don't really think you have the whole story. Who told you that?

This kid at school. He said she likes to kill animals. I don't think you should vote for her.

Done!

In My Free Time...

Ever wonder what I do on the weekends? Here it is. Jealous you aren't one of my students aren't you? Hope your weekend was just as exciting.

Pay No Attention to the Chick on the Floor

When I turned 21 three of my uncles took me to Las Vegas to celebrate. I remember a lot from that trip. Blisters from my new Keds, drinking Zima while walking down the strip, their obsession in learning how to play Craps, and fainting on a backstage tour of Folies Bergere. My one uncle, UK, loves to impersonate said fainting spell. That was one of only two times I fainted. The other was in July of 1999 while waiting to see Fosse on Broadway. It was 1,000,000 degrees and I was pregnant.

Fainting is weird. I felt cold all of a sudden and then, down I went. You can hear everything going on around you, but you can't quite get a handle on things.

Today, during my 10th period U.S. History class, a class in which I HATE with a passion, a student came up to me after having donated blood 30 minutes earlier said, "Ms. I don't feel good. I can't breathe and it's really hot in here."

"Ok D, I just saw the dean's assistant (DA) let's get you to the nurse."

I walk out to the hall flag down the DA and tell him to get this girl to the nurse. I turn around and say, "D....D? Where'd she go?" Then real nonchalant like one of my students says, "She's on the ground. I think she fainted."

"Didn't anyone think to call for me or say anything?"

"She looks ok."

"Really, can I see your license to practice medicine?"

At this point the DA comes in and I say go get a wheelchair and the nurse I can't pick her up myself and she isn't responding to me. Now, I was pretty calm. She was breathing and I could tell that she was going to be ok. In the mean time, the DA comes back with a wheelchair and no nurse. "Where's the nurse?"

"She said she's busy."

"Go back and get her. I can't wake her up!"

Now the kids start stepping over her putting their stuff away. Laughing at her and telling me I should pour water on her. One kid walks by and says, "You can tell she's faking it her eyes are blinking." Then others begin debating if she is conscious, unconscious or conscientious. Because, "I get those words confused."

I swear to God I just wanted to pop this kid straight in the face and cause him to pass out. Finally, the nurse shows up and asks the student's name and proceeds to have me, 3 minutes before the bell rings for the end of the day, have my students exit the room. This girl is laying at the front of the room and now 28 kids begin stepping over her while the nurse stands by. I was so dumbfounded by what was going on I just walked in the hall and let it all unfold. They close the door to the room get her in the wheelchair and proceed to wheel her by in a "roll of shame".

This was one of those days when I tell myself, "There's got to be a better place for me."

Perhaps We Are Asking the Wrong Questions

If you recognize this quote, I reserve the right to call you a big dork. I needed a quote from the movie and this one seemed most appropriate. I had to ask my husband because I found this movie to be utterly painful. To this day, I still don't understand all the hubub over this movie, or shall I say cinematic pleasure? It just so happens this quote perfectly fit my classroom scene today.

Me: ....in the 1820s America was experiencing a Second Great Awakening. This was a time in which there were new religions. One example was a religious group known as Unitarians. Unitarians saw God as a single being instead of a "Trinity". Where are my Catholics? What does that mean "trinity" insert chirping crickets.... Anyone? What is the trinity? crickets.... Seriously, you can't tell me what the trinity is?

J: The Matrix! The Matrix!

Me: Yes, J that is exactly what the trinity is. A movie about dudes running around in long black shiny trench coats. Or maybe, just maybe it is the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. Ya, think?

J: Looking confused...I guess.

Insert class laughing here

This of course prompted me to tell the story of one of my favorite students from back in the day when I taught Catholic school. I loved that school and loved how I could always lay on the Catholic guilt, guilt free.

One day J.N. a sweet, yet not so bright 6th grader, was doing something which prompted me to say to him, "Now J, that isn't a very Christian thing to do."

He looked at me confused, thought for a moment and said, "I thought I was Catholic."

To whit I responded, "Good news J, today you get two for the price of one."

See there, the title was fitting. Now my husband is good for three things (don't pressure me and ask for a list).

Somewhere My Grandma Is Sheading A Single Tear

See these fine machines? They finally arrived this evening. It is a sad day when you brag to your students that their arrival is the highlight of your day. Good news, J's puppy pillow made it through the maiden voyage. Ahhhh, the sweet sweet sounds of a lower water bill...I hope.

Do Slippers & Flip Flops Count?

Last night I was chatting with my parents, UK and D about a project that will be taking place around here on October 13th. About a month ago my brother had this company come out to his condo about putting in a closet organizer. My dad was really impressed and knowing how crappy our closets are, I gave them a call to see if we could swing a small renovation with left over tax return dollars.

Jen came out three weeks ago and gave an estimate and we are pushing forward. In her interview with me about our needs I mentioned I needed room for my shoes. She asked about how many pairs of shoes I had and my response was, "I don't even think I can guess. A lot, maybe 50."

So in mentioning this with UK he was flabbergasted. He didn't think I was serious. My mom was like, "Jen, I don't even think I have that many shoes."

So this afternoon after changing the linens in our room I sat down and counted. I was wrong I don't have 50. I have 54...but hey that includes slippers and flip flops. Carrie Bradshaw may have her Manolos from Barneys, but I have my Mossimos from Target. Is that so wrong?

On Small Step for Man One Sure Step for J

Have you ever seen these before? I haven't, well at least until they were put on J's feet yesterday. They are called Sure Steps. I mean really is there anything else we can add to this kid's life? J's feet are "extremely pronated" and therefore he needs support in his feet/ankles to encourage him standing straighter and in turn increasing his upper trunk strength. You should see how wide his feet look in shoes. You know the song by Chris Farley, "Fat man in a little coat"? Well, this is like, "Skinny kid with fat old feet".

I was sure I would hear from J, "I don't like these. Take off NOW!" But instead I got, "Cooooool! I like it. I run fast!" And run fast he did. Proving once again I know jack shit about my kids. Step aside blogging moms, I am Mother of the Year!

You Had Me At Aim Small Miss Small

Every year around this time I celebrate back to school with a week long viewing of "The Patriot". Thanks to TBS and TNT many of the students have seen this movie and enjoy watching it again. This year for whatever reason I have a large number of students who have not seen this movie which is fine I like to see the raw emotions they have after watching this scene.

During this scene on particular student's comments made me chuckle.
1. Miss, how could Mel Gibson do all this shit then make Passion of the Christ?
2. This is my new favorite movie.
3. Samuel and Nathan it's time to become men.

and my personal favorite in the end Mel is soaked with blood after going bat shit crazy and he says...
4. Isn't he worried about getting AIDS?

New Year, New Funny One Liners

Chapter 2: Europeans Establish New Colonies --Section 5: The Middle Colonies

Me: Current day Pennsylvania was founded by William Penn who was a Quaker. Does anyone know what a Quaker is? insert wait time here Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? What if I told you they are similar to the Amish? There are several Amish communities in Pennsylvania too.

Student: Old fashioned people.

Me: Okay. How about they way they live and their physical appearance?

Student: They don't believe in electricity.

Me: Good what else? nothing Okay, well the Amish...and when they turn 16 they have period called rumspringa in which they can leave the community and spend a year experiencing life outside of their community. This is similar to a barmitzva in the Jewish faith and for you girls who have had a quinceanera, this is the same type of thing. In a nutshell it's coming of age.

Student: So for white people like you it's their Sweet Sixteen.

Me: Yes, exactly and by exactly I mean not a thing like it at all. And just so you know the Amish and Jews are white too.

Yes, This Is My Life

Being a big bad teacher prevents me from your typical phone calls during the day. I have requested the teachers of both D and J to contact me via e-mail as it is much easier to contact me at a moments notice.

In my many years mothering D I have received many a phone call regarding D that usually begin, "Ummmm I just wanted to let you know D had a rough day." This is typically followed by some pushing, screaming, hitting or some variation thereof incident which occurred. When he is at camp and the phone rings my heart drops until I check the caller ID and then I know what will follow. "...Maybe you should come pick him up." This has happened more times than I care to remember.

The best part about your kid with Asperger's going to public school is the phone calls still happen BUT they have to keep him. Usually, I just shake my head/weep uncontrollably to my mom and encourage D to, "Be the best D you can be!"

The sinking feeling...yeah that doesn't go away though but now it's in the form of e-mails. I have received five e-mails from his inclusion facilitator in the six days he has been in school. She is a friend from grad school so I know he is in great hands but still the e-mails come with subject lines like "Update" , "Daniel" and my personal favorite "Tuesday" (or whatever day it happens to be). I am happy to report that all but one have been favorable and that one was all about how D needs to be a better sport in PE...yes, this is getting old.

Today's e-mail which caused my heart to sink was "Tuesday". Insert heart sinking here....thinking now what did he do...who pissed him off now? I'll tell you what...

I have D up in my office right now, and he had a fantastic day! He made a cool art picture in Art class that he is really proud of! He made a deal with me today that if he has a perfect week, he can make a backpack pal with me on Friday afternoon! He is really excited about it. Have a good day!

Phewwww! Then came the e-mail from the preschool teacher entitled "J". Seriously!?! What now, he is not the "problem" child a few temper tantrums here and there but what could have possibly happened between J and Girl? I will tell you what...

Just a heads up…J had quite the accident today. I think it was a “I pooped, and now I am going stick my hands in my pants to make sure” kind of a thing. By the time we noticed it was on the outside of his pants and on his back under his shirt. So we changed him and put the dirty clothes in his bag. Please send another pair or shorts/ pants when you get a chance. Just wanted to let you know!

Jealous, aren't you. FYI I forwarded it to the hubby so he could experience of an e-mail that should have read in the subject line "J: The Mad Shitter Strikes Again"!

No Really, Are They Serious?

When I first started/thought about writing this blog I never intended it to be a platform for politics. I have learned it is one thing you don't talk about in mixed company, but today I am shocked by some things I read in a Yahoo! news story.

First of all, I don't consider myself a tree hugging liberal, right wing conservative or a feminist. I consider myself an educated working mom with real issues that impact my family. If I happen to believe Obama can fix some of those issues that is my choice. If I think McCain can that will be my choice too. I refuse to believe that because I am a woman, Palin knows my plight and if other women in this country think this...well this makes me sad.

In a blog I frequent she makes some good points about the undecided voter you can read about it here. I think she makes a valid point.

As a government teacher I am excited to teach young and naive minds about the process. I pride myself that I teach my students to listen what the candidates say and not to just look at what they see but to hear.

I hate that we have turned into a nation that likes to fit things into a neat little package. If you are against abortion you must be a Republican. Apparently I am the one who is wrong. While I would never have an abortion myself, I don't think I have any right to make that decision for someone else. If that makes me a Democrat go ahead start pointing your fingers. If I think my uncle and his partner who love each other unconditionally and are mature and responsible human beings should be able to get married before my 16 year old student who got knocked up at prom and will then turn around and ask the government to pay for their daycare and food makes a Democrat, then sign me up. What I refuse to believe is that because I am a woman and Sara Palin is a woman she must get me and therefore I am now a Republican, show me where I can burn my voter registration card.

Back to the news story here are some of my favorites, and by favorites I mean do these people smoke crack? Well, we know the answer for Rush Limbaugh.

“Palin=Guns, Babies, Jesus,” he wrote in an e-mail. “Contrast that to Obama's bitter clingers. Obama just lost blue-collar, white Democratic voters in Pennsylvania and other states.”

So if I am to understand this, all blue collar workers love Guns, Babies, and Jesus. I will be sure to put this in my notes for class.

Not only is the 44-year-old governor opposed to abortion rights — but she carried and gave birth to a child with Down syndrome earlier this year, a profound and powerful motivating force to both opponents of abortion rights and the parents and relatives of special needs children.

Are we really praising her for giving birth to a child with DS? I know there are millions of women who have done so and I would bet money some of them were Democrats. Are there that many women flocking at abortion clinics to abort children with DS? If so, I will admit that I am wrong.

There were 10 or 12 women, party stalwarts, in tears, using napkins and handkerchiefs.”

Are they sure because I bet you could say the same thing about women after Obama's speech on Thursday night.

She's one of us,” wrote Michael Bane, a prominent Colorado-based gun enthusiast who has a show on the Outdoor Channel, on his blog. “FINALLY, we can get 100 percent behind the Republican ticket ... change we can believe in!”

One of who? A woman trapped in a man's body. I think there are clinical words for those type of people. What type of change is she going to bring? I'm not quite sure. Women decorating their living rooms with their husbands' freshest kill?

I know, I might be being petty but I just don't get all the hype. But that's the thing about this country you can have your opinions and I can have mine and yet we all try to find a way to get along. Whoever you chose to vote for you have your reasons and I have mine and we don't need to debate that here. But I will leave you with this conversation D had with us in the car last weekend. Sad thing is his logic isn't much different than so many others in this country.

D: Mom who are you voting for?

Me: I don't know why?

D: I was just wondering.

Me: You really aren't supposed to ask people that. Why do you want to know?

D: I don't know. I just do. If I could vote I would vote for Obama.

Me: Why?

D: Because all the presidents have been white I think the black people need a turn.

Hubby: That really shouldn't be a reason why you vote for someone.

Me: Why not, millions of other people in this country won't for the exact opposite reason.

Hubby: Good point.

Good point indeed.

Is This the Little Boy I Carried, Too?

Life with the boys is filled with days known as Therapy Thursdays and trips to various ENTs, asmatha/allergy doctors, regular doctors, OTs, PTs, and doctors of the head shrinking variety. In 2006 when J failed two hearing tests speech therapy began. With this therapy other OT and PT evals came along. In the end once a week PT sessions would be had for "low tone" in the upper trunk.

As the number one advocate for these children, I decided in March to contact the public school so I could have J evaluated and see if I can get some of these services for free. His eval was over the summer and our speech therapist informed me, "He probably won't qualify." Nonetheless with my own Mommy in tow we attended his staffing on his birthday.

Long story short, he qualified for their "at-risk" preschool and he would start in seven days, but don't worry he can take the school bus from daycare. While a relief how do you explain to a 3 year old that even though Mommy won't be there, get on this bus to a school you barely know and join in a classroom full of kids and two teachers you don't even know. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen. I was able to bring him over there a few days before my school and his school started and he seemed okay.

While I would normally take off a day of work for such events, this would also mark my first full day with students, students who need to get the 411 on Ms' U.S. History class. So I encouraged D to get J on that bus and that it would be okay. I even enlisted a fellow daycare goer to sit with J on the bus and help him out if need be.

His first day would be the day after D's first day so outside we went for "the picture". I would like to say it's because he was in a hurry to get going. But alas, it was more that he was tired and didn't want to participate in my memory making schemes.

I sent the e-mail to the teacher asking how it went and it went a little something like this. "J had a blast. He acted like he has been here for years. He is making friends and loved the bus." Indeed he did make friends. When I asked it was, "Yeah we play outside with Diego, Nicholas and Girl."

Here's to a great year with Girl, J!

Is This the Little Boy I Carried?

Many, many, many years ago my parents sent me off to kindergarten. Before I left my Dad took a picture of me in smelling a flower holding my little book bag next to the lamppost in our front yard. This is one of my Dad's favorite pictures of me. While I don't remember this moment, it was one that is ingrained in my Dad's head (not to mention along with a lot of other useless information). In an effort to keep such memories of my own children, I decided when D went off to kindergarten I would take the same type of picture, minus the dress and flower smelling thing.

This week marked the forth picture we would take of D. Have a great year Mr. Boo.

It's A Girl!

I've always wanted a girl around here. One I could buy lots of cute dresses and of course a pair of Mary Janes. Last week I got my girl, but I don't think Mary Janes are in her future.

Welcome to family Dazie!

I Gave Him My Heart & Got No Pen

Saturday my good friend B got tix to the Cubs game. It was a great day for baseball and even better because they kicked the Nationals butts. The best part of this game by far was the singing of the 7th inning stretch. To my utter surprise John Cusack aka "The Man I Can Cheat On My Husband With" sang. Luckily, we were sitting near the press box and I was at the ready for this awesome picture.











He's the one in the Cubs jersey...I SWEAR. I was hoping he would be walking in the other direction on the ramp where I would take a much more awesome picture but no such luck.

I was dying! I mean and Jeremy got off lucky! Here I was 20 feet from the man I could potentially have a one night stand with and yet it was not meant to be or was it?

After the win we were standing on Clark waiting for the shuttle back to the parking lot and a security guard was clearing the way when out of nowhere John, on a scooter, was leaving the VIP lot, looked at me and said, "Excuse Me". Mom was nervously shuffling through her purse looking for the camera but we weren't quick enough. In a flash he scooted off with who I think was Dr. Cox from Scrubs.

This was quite possibly the most exciting thing I ever experienced. I know I chicken shitted out and didn't "say anything" to him, but I was in shock and what could I have said that wouldn't have sounded totally lame. Especially something like this, "I totally have a blog named after you Lloyd Dabler!"

Do They Know The Way To San Jose?

A new school year and a new set of humorous anecdotes. It took all of 2 days. While working on a map packet this conversation took place.

J: Miss, don't you think it's kind of dangerous to have maps like these?

Me: What do you mean J?

J: What if the terrorists got these and like knew where all the cities in the U.S. are?

Me: J, I think that terrorists have better resources than your U.S. History textbook and chances are they already know how to get around the U.S.

Bologna and a side of Mashed Potatoes

I have been teaching in my building for eight years. It is a building that is about 76% Hispanic, 12% black and 10% white. I will never forget a conversation I heard between a few students talking about "black people food and Mexican food". When I asked them what they thought white people food was they quickly responded, "Bologna sandwiches, salad and mashed potatoes." It's always interesting to hear their perspective on things.

Last year a fellow social studies teacher was discussing with her current issues class racial issues and stereotypes. Of course the students started to talk about how (mind you in a class with all minorities and one white student) Mexican houses smell like tacos, black houses smell like fried chicken and then they looked at that white student and asked, "What do white people's houses smell like?" Without skipping a beat he said, "Lean Cuisine."

I find this funny on several levels. One is that everyday in our office all of the white female teachers eat either Lean Cuisines or some version thereof.

Yesterday in my American Government class something of this sort came up, yet again, and I started to tell them the story I just told you. Many laughed and a young African American student looked at me and said, "What's Lean Cuisine?" His friend next to him laughed and said, "Hot Pockets with broccoli."

I could not contain my laughter and when I did I headed down to the office to watch my friend K heat up her Lean Pocket and it began again.

Brother Can You Spare A Dime?

Ahhhhh yes it's that time again! Working with the members of my team was quite the treat today. We have a new member with whom I am quite excited to be working with this year. She has been in the district for several years, but in a different building and was calling to task two of my favorite team members. It was AWESOME. She was all, "Uh, T? M? Do you have anything to share? I can't do this alone!" Oh M#2, where have you been all my life? You say things that I think. This is going to be a good year!

While we were working on a goal today M#2 and I started to think about how my subject matter (U.S. History) and her subject matter (English) overlap in themes. Since U.S. History moves at the speed of sound it was difficult to get some interdisciplinary units going, but we did decide that we could chose a theme. One idea we had was, change. What drives change? Why do people seek change? We were feeling pretty good about this while M#1 and T were chatting up their subjects.

M#2 begins to explain to M#1 and T what we were talking about. She mentions we would like to focus first semester around the common thread of change. M#1 looks at her square in the face and I shit you not says, "Change? Like loose change in your pockets? How does that go across the curriculum?" Yes, M#1 loose change that is exactly what we are talking about!

When I began to laugh she was all, "Well how was I supposed to know what you two were talking about?" I felt like saying something snide and sarcastic but I resisted, I will take the high road this year....well at least until October.

Memoir

Today was , to me, the official beginning of the 2008-2009 school year. We are in heart of meeting time for small learning communities (SLC). I consider myself a team player but these meetings are H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E. I literally feel like I am being punished. We are supposed to learn things, but let's be honest professional development is a fancy way for administrators to feel that they are providing "valuable" and "useful" information unto us lowly teachers.

Our school, in some circles is referred to as "ghetto". Others may say our kids our educationally disenfranchised. I call it a great place to spend 180 days in the company of some great teachers and friends and some colorful kids to boot. In order for our school to become, "enfranchised" (if there is such a word) we are all about the three Rs. Rigor, Relevance and Relationships. Our meeting today would focus on Rigor.


The first task of the day was to, and I quote, "Let's get started with some rigor of our own." Some fancy pants educator wrote an article entitled The Short, Happy Lives of Teachers (I would include a link but I would like to keep you as a reader). This article talked about an author who wrote the book Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure. Our facilitator asked us to then write our own six word memoir about our teaching experiences to date. I came up with four pearls of wisdom. Two I shared with my team the other I will only share with you. See if you can guess which is which.

1. Try something different, it can't hurt.
2. Learn to say no, save yourself.
3. Can't make them dumber, already tried.
4. Those who can't, really do teach.

PS-To all those who have requested a post I hope I have fulfilled your wanting. Thanks for reading!

Looks Like I Made It

Tomorrow concludes my month long grad school extravaganza. I managed to make it through alive and now I am only three courses away from completion. Not much exciting happened in these four weeks other than reading, writing of reflection papers, and attending eight hours of class three days a week. Now the really hard work begins. Mothering in the summer.

D has not coped well with the non-structure of summer. As of last night we have had to increase his meds twice. The Dr. informed me that if things settle down when school starts up again we can decrease the dose. I feel so badly for him. Today's obsession is Halloween. I know, it's July 1st. I think he may have a future in retail. I am sure by August 1st he will be making his Christmas list. In addition, to his daily obsessions he has fixated on a play date with K's kids that will take place on July 7th. Everyday there is a list of activities and food menu. Cupcakes need to be baked for this event. As I type he reminds me we need to go noooooowwwwww for plain brown bags to decorate for trick-or-treating. Each child will have a bag on this play date, because that is just how D rolls. My heart breaks for the endless running that goes on in his mind. The other day I gave him one of those big exercise balls to bounce on so he could get the wiggles out. He bounced for 20 minutes straight.

J has been going to daycare which every morning he says, "I doe wanna go to daycare." We get there and he sees his friends and I am but a memory. Today was water day so all was right with the world. Tomorrow is J's last day at daycare until I go back to work in August, so there will tears; mine not his.

In honor of finishing these many days of class, I have a very important appointment this evening in which I will have to make a critical decision. Should I pick Kreme de la Kremlin or Cosmo-Not Tonight Honey for my toe color?